GAP

Paraphrasing Seth Godin regarding the gap between wishing something and doing the work to get the something you want.  The thing is that wishing requires magical thinking and magical thinking is for people who are disempowered, and fear-driven.  

Doing the work, on the other hand is the journey, doing the work is how we empower ourselves, fall, pick ourselves up and build courage muscles.  Doing the work is what makes our adventures and in turn, ourselves, interesting, fun and yes....magical.

But it’s about the work.  Unfortunately a lot of us are caught in the gap -- the space between magical thinking and the work.  In actuality, this gap is quicksand and this is where we become stuck.  Just the realization of this, being aware of it, is the first step toward the work, toward getting unstuck.

(Seth Godin The wishing/doing gap)

SELFLESS

Crutch is a noun - it is a thing.  

When we are a crutch we become the temporary thing someone leans on during a rough patch.  It means we are a great friend, an awesome parent and generally a soft place to fall.  Being a crutch for someone means we offer a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent to.  It communicates to this person struggling that we have every confidence that they’re strong, smart and resilient enough to pull through.   

Enabling is a verb -  it is doing.  When we’re enabling someone we accomplish the exact opposite.  While we attempt to ‘do’ or ‘fix’ the problem what we’re actually telling the individual is that we don’t trust their ability to make the right decisions, that they don’t have the wherewithal to solve their problems, that in essence, they are weak and need you.

Notice the difference?  

As a crutch, the confidence and power stays with the other person, the longterm benefits are that they feel supported, empowered and confident to not only deal with but flourish through their struggles.

Enabling, on the other hand, transfers the power from the person struggling to the person ‘doing’ and ‘fixing.’  The benefits are all to the doer and none to the person struggling who now feels, unsure, overwhelmed, anxious and afraid.  

What’s interesting is when you meet a person who desperately wants to be enabled when all you really want to offer is a crutch. 

In this scenario the real difficulty lies in refusing to offer the former, and from a true selfless part of yourself, with deep love and respect, extend the latter.   

SOURCE

The problem with believing what other people say is that you don’t know the source. 

How do you know, for example, that the source, the person talking to you, the person telling you how you should live your life doesn’t have an agenda, an agenda that has nothing to do with what’s best for you?  

The moral here is that unless you know the source, you know the heart, spirit and motivation of the person talking to you, there is no point whatsoever in you listening -- why would you?  Why would you even waste one minute listening to someone who hasn’t proven their integrity to you? 

And yet, people do it all the time, torturing themselves trying to live up to the expectations of a source whose integrity is suspect at best, dangerous at worst. 

SHAPE

What shape are you trying to fit in?  

If it feels tight, then it probably is.  

If it feels loose, then it probably is.

Here’s the thing, I bet you thought physical when I said shape. Am I right?  But it could be anything.  Ideas can be too tight or too loose.  Ways of life can be too tight or too loose.  The point is that your life, your ideas, your shape has to fit YOUR particular size, your individual concepts and points of view.  No one else’s.  

It’s a radical concept for some.  It’s a scary idea for others but it all boils down to knowing yourself.  Asking yourself some important questions, like:

Who do I want to be?

Am I leading the life I want?

Is there joy in my life?

Where am I living? How am I existing?  What am I being?

Do I like what goes through my mind?

If you aren’t asking yourself these questions then how will you ever know who you are and what you stand for?

Ah, but that’s the point isn’t it?  If you start poking around, scratching that surface with pesky questions, the next thing you know you’ll want to make changes and then what? FEAR, FALLOUT, CHAOS, ANARCHY?

If you’re very lucky. YES. There is nothing more powerful to shift your shape than that.

FALLOUT

It’s uncanny how fear can whip us into a frenzy using our insecurities, foibles and distorted sense of low self worth.  It makes just the potential of any shunning and shaming feel so real that it freezes us in our tracks.  It’s extremely effective in keeping us locked up in our cave, terrified to venture out, try anything new, expand our horizons, develop our curiosity.

The reality is that if we went through life showing everyone exactly who we were, warts and all, our family would still love us and our friends would still cherish us, in truth, there would be precious little fallout.

Fact is, everyone is in the same boat.  We’re all worried about being lovable.  The irony is that if we were a little more courages and lived authentic lives, fear would loose its power.  Certainly, we would still feel it but it will have lost its power to imprison us.

CLARITY

We will truly never get at the root of a problem, or arrive at clarity, if:

There is drama

There are lies

There are secrets

There is blame

There is a closed mind

There is overwhelming fear

We don’t take responsibility

We don’t understand that clarity is the goal

LUXURY

The epitome of a luxurious life is one lived free of lies and secrets.  Both are toxic and lead to chronic pain and suffering.  Joy is hard to come by when this type of toxicity rules your life.

Whatever the reason lies and secrets entered your life it was probably in the hopes of alleviating pain, shame, or solving a problem.  The irony is that lying and keeping secrets ALWAYS produces the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.

The hard part about coming clean is that you have to be willing to handle whatever fallout there might be.  And while there will be strong emotions to deal with at the beginning, people who truly care and respect you will still be there on the other side.