Customs and Traditions

We (all individuals on the planet) have collectively agreed, either implicitly or explicitly, to how society is functioning today through customs and traditions.  Some customs and traditions are so ingrained and have been so well ‘sold’ that some people think them to be part of the ‘natural order.’   There is no such thing and empirical evidence clearly shows you the contrary: people suffering, the planet suffering, and on and on (while it’s true that nature can be cruel, it is only humans that ‘choose’ to be).  We therefore can collectively, implicitly and explicitly, choose to make changes that are more truly reflective of the ‘natural order.”  All things should be given a fair opportunity to succeed rather than being set up for failure through customs and traditions.

Lovable

So long as you continue to believe that the determining factor of how lovable you are exists outside of yourself, you will continue to feel that there’s something inherently wrong with you.

Passion is overrated

I was at the grocery store the other day and a mom was strapping her two little kids into their car seats.  She then turned and looked at the grocery cart.  You could tell she wanted to return it to the store but looking at her kids she didn’t want to leave them.  She looked back at the cart then at her kids a couple of times, this took only a couple of seconds, but I saw that she was struggling with a dilemma, so I offered to return the cart for her.

There’s a lot of talk about living a passionate life; do what you’re passionate about; find your passion, etc., and all I can think is “Geez, I don’t think I have that kind of energy.”  I’d argue that a lot of what adds up to living a full meaningful life, are small selfless moments.  Conjuring up passion to me feels like it would take a whole lot of bluster and meaningless energy (see my earlier post on INERTIA); the quieter stirrings of selflessness run deeper and make a bigger impact.  

The same holds true for the need to give flight to your life (do what you’re passionate about).  The pursuit of that need, I think, doesn’t require a red hot burning passion, no.  For me it has always felt more like an obsessed stalker lurking under the surface every single day and getting in your face only when it feels you’ve ignored it for too long.

Passion to me feels like a match - short lived.

The obsessed stalker feels more like a real hunger for arson.

Expectations and the Flight Imperative

You’ve made a decision to start a project, have chosen a path or are taking a journey that is new to you, in other words, you’ve reached the clearing and have the runway in sight.  You have expectations but you’re keeping the story small and at arms length, and as you venture on you start encountering obstacles, or your progress slows down, you’ve hit a glitch, and your momentum comes to a grinding halt.  

What do you do now?  You’re fighting the voice in your head that wants a big, emotional story, you’re fighting resistance that wants to shout in your ear “I told you this was a stupid idea.”  You can feel all this emotion getting closer and closer to you, so what do you do?

STOP and LEAN INTO IT.

Yes, when every fibre in your body wants to run the other way or collapse on the spot and give in to the pressure, do what is least expected, LEAN TOWARD these uncomfortable feelings. I first heard of this idea from Seth Godin and his book The Dip. It works!  When I stood, faced and leaned toward these emotions it took all the air out of the negative energy and felt incredibly empowering.

I truly believe that the only way out of a difficult experience is through, is to feel the emotions, put your shoulder against them and LEAN IN.

Expectations - a minefield

Expectations are the hopes we have for a certain outcome.  But more than that, we weave a fairly complex story around this hope and imbue it with all manner of emotion and meaning, so that when the outcome of a situation is not what we expected, we are disappointed, hurt, disillusioned, crushed, and on and on.  At its worst, it can level our self-esteem and make us skittish about trying anything outside our comfort zone again.

We can’t eradicate expectation, it seems to be part of being human.  But I don’t think it’s the expectation itself that’s the problem, it’s the story that we weave around that expectation.  It’s the story that makes it feel personal, so the bigger the story the deeper the destruction will go. 

Why is this distinction important?  If we can acknowledge a sense of expectation as part of an experience but keep the story small and at arms length, then the outcome has less power over us.  

For example: 

You go for a job interview:

Expectation = I hope it goes well

Story = Getting this job will validate my skills

It’s a prestigious firm, my friends will be impressed

It’s more money so I can afford more stuff

It’ll be a relief since the bills are piling up

Etc.

You don’t get the job:

Fallout = That sucks

Story= Means my skills suck

A prestigious firm thinks I suck

No money coming in

The bills are piling up

I suck

I’m a loser

Etc.

Sliding into heaven.

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely

in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"” (Author unknown)

That’s what I want to be able to tell myself when I’m 80. 

To me this little aphorism isn’t talking about hedonism, irresponsibility, or checking off all the items on a bucket list.  To me it says you’ve lived your life authentically and expansively, going out of your way to enhance someone else’s life as well. It is by far, the best way to be used up at the end of the day.

Nothing kills off...

...creativity or a dream faster than having to work to pay off debt.

“I've always lived within my means. I've never been in debt in my life. I refuse to because I know the minute I’m in debt, I’m then at somebody else's behest.”

Terry Gilliam

Filmmaker

http://the99percent.com/articles/7121/Terry-Gilliam-On-Ideas-Unlearning-Avoiding-Debt

STOP!

Stop doing stuff that doesn’t feed your soul. Stop hanging out with people/working for people/being married to people, who will not respect you. Allow yourself to think it, allow yourself to feel it, allow yourself to say it, then you can actually do something about it. So think STOP, feel STOP, then say STOP nice and loud and clear. STOP! There see, the world didn’t collapse, the kids are safe, all is well. The runway is clear...

Rationalization isn’t Rational, it’s just comfortable.

According to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), rationalization occurs "when the individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by concealing the true motivations for his or her own thoughts, actions, or feelings through the elaboration of reassuring or self serving but incorrect explanations." (emphasis mine) In other words, this is how we go about making excuses.

You’re rationalizing if a statement begins with the words, “Yeah, but... .”

Here’s what’s important. The ‘comfort’ you feel when you’re rationalizing something away, is an illusion, because you are in reality telling yourself a lie.

Rationalization and it’s cousin Resistance are by far the best barriers to flight.

Let's be clear...

The flight imperative is the antithesis of running away; it's a moving towards.

Why do older women tend to move on?

1. There are a lot of reasons why older women move on; why younger women move on; why men move on, etc., the point is that there are as many reasons as there are people on the planet for moving on, for making a change.
2. We can all agree that moving on or making a change is very hard.
3. We can also agree that if the impetus for moving on is to live a more authentic life then that individual is to be applauded for their courage.
4. On the other hand, if the impetus for moving on is to run away from a problem with distractions  (i.e., the marriage isn’t working so you have an affair) then that individual is to be called a Chicken Shit.

What I know for myself is that as I neared 50 I sensed a shift in the way I was living my life.  I realized that I was living an incredibly passive life.  I felt as though I was waiting for something/someone to rescue me.  While I waited I engaged in every manner of distraction possible. Yes, I was a Chicken Shit.  And I was living a Chicken Shit existence for many years before enough became enough.

Why is this important? My reason for change was based on a feeling; a minuscule sense that I wanted my life to mean something more. That’s it -- it was a small thing but it was EVERY thing as well.   I suspect that’s the reason most older women move on. It’s that sense of do or die that brings women to the crossroads.  

If this is you, standing at the crossroads studying the paths you’ve already taken, well trodden on the left and the right, why not look up and follow the runway.  I am the whisper in you ear that says, “It’s time to fly.” 

My flight imperative is to...

...illuminate the path to the runway so women can take flight and live the expansive life they were born to live.

Who are you talking yourself into being?

Let me give you a scenario:  


We have a middle-aged woman spending lonely nights alone, looking around sad-eyed for that elusive love.  Then by absolute chance she meets someone, he just happens to smile at her in a coffee shop, he happens to start chatting with her, he asks whether he can sit at her table.  And she?  Well, she’s hyperventilating because here’s a guy who, she’s sure will clean up really well if he took a shower and combed his hair, is actually talking to her.  And of course she’ll pay for his coffee, because sometimes it happens that you leave your wallet at home, besides, it makes her feel needed.  

Hours turn to days and he has not left her side, I mean literally, he moved in the following day, and she thinks, isn’t it romantic.  And she lifts his spirits while making dinner after coming home from 12 hours at the office - she’s working overtime just until he finds a job, because she can sense that he’s feeling depressed because he can’t join his buddies for a night out since he has no money - by stuffing a twenty into his pocket.  She revels in the feeling of being needed.

Even after 6 months, a year of this, as red flags continue to pop up in her head, remembering the awful way it felt to be lonely, she rationalizes, makes excuses and hangs on ever-tighter to this “relationship” -- until he dumps her ass for being too needy.

Here’s the kicker, it doesn’t really matter that it’s a man/woman, it could be a donkey, the point is how it makes her feel -- it makes her feel safe and loved and not alone.  So it’s the situation she hangs on to, you can’t even call it a relationship because there is no reciprocity -- I was going to write, there is no give and take, but in fact there is, she does the giving and he does the taking -- so I’m talking about reciprocity.  He’s actually not giving anything, it’s the circumstance, the situation that she is interpreting as providing love, and safety and a hedge against loneliness.

When you refuse to take responsibility for your life it can only lead to crazy-making.  And responsibility does mean not making yourself crazy by letting the feeling of loneliness become who you are -- it’s just a feeling and guess what, you’re also responsible for your feelings.  I know, how about that!

Who ever died of loneliness anyway?  It’s a very romantic sentiment to be sure, but really?  

Who are you really talking yourself into being?  

You’re not dating, you’re not having sex, so what - it’s not going to kill you - in fact, you probably could use the break to regroup, patch up the holes you tore into your pride by ‘dating’ guys you met online and dusting off the set of values you once so carefully chose, but tossed into a dark corner.

Stop wringing your hands over it -- instead, make plans for what you’re going to do with your life.

Ask yourself, is all this teeth gnashing over being relationship-less a distraction from having to deal with other aspects of your life that aren’t working? Is it an escape from having to take responsibility for your own life?

And yes, this means men too -- this "a relationship will save me" syndrome effects everyone -- and it gets even worse once you hit your 40s, 50s and beyond...don't even get me started on that...