ADVICE

The good stuff...

"[...] is priceless. Not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. Not imaginary, but practical. Not based on fear, but on possibility. Not designed to make you feel better, designed to make you better.

Seek it out and embrace the true friends that care enough to risk sharing it.

I'm not sure what takes more guts—giving it or getting it."

Seth Godin

POTENTIAL

Our potential is not an abstract concept.  It is also not an accident and it’s not arbitrary to whether we’re lucky to have it or not.  Potential is the gift bestowed on all of us for being human.  

As humans we squander our potential by indulging in fear and resistance especially when we nudge closer to realizing that potential.  So we gorge on simplistic and superficial distractions, be it violence, junk food, judgment or indifference. 

Mostly, we waste our time settling for what looks like our potential by measuring it by the things we accumulate.

We hear a lot about potential.  Unfortunately, it’s misunderstood most of the time.  Potential is not about bucket lists, ‘things’ that need to be done and checked off.  Potential is not about winning prizes and being the best so we can be king of the mountain.  Potential has nothing to do with any of that.

Realizing our potential means that we fight through the fear to get to know who we are at our center.  Realizing our potential is about profoundly going within, past our dysfunction and the lies and justifications we have bought into.  Living our potential means living honestly, without deceit, without pretense.  

The sad reality is that most folks will be too busy creating their bucket lists to work toward their true potential; too busy pretending to be who they are not; preoccupied with selfish, arrogant needs that has them convinced that they "deserve" to have that affair,  max out their visa, help out their neighbour so that they can look down on them.

Humanity does not evolve this way, it stays stuck at the mundane and mediocre.

DIGGING THAT DITCH

How we love to believe that we can see into the future.  In reality we're just extrapolating from the past.  So if we really want to continue to get what we've gotten in the past, all we really have to do is keep thinking that we can predict the future.

It's a great way to dig ourselves into that ditch of rich, frothy anxiety.

CRAP

While we get really annoyed when we have to deal with other people’s crap, it’s our own crap that’s the real problem.  So cherish the individuals in your life who see the authentic you because they’re the only ones capable of shoveling away this crap we so consistently insist on strewing across our own path.  

RETRACE

I especially like the idea of retracing or rediscovering to acquire the skills you need to move forward.  

"Your relationship is not supposed to be perfect all the time, your

business is not supposed to do well all the time, your soufflés are not

supposed to raise perfectly all the time. Everything is designed to go

wrong so that you can gain the skills of rediscovering your tracks,

even in difficult or frightening circumstances. Especially in difficult and

frightening circumstances."   ~ Martha Beck

www.marthabeck.com

COMPADRES

This may come as a revelation but it truly is not your significant other’s job to understand what you’re going through.  Just as it isn’t your job to understand what your significant other is going through.

More relationships suffer because couples don’t understand this basic premise.  People think that just because you couple up you don’t need anyone else.  Romantic notions of marriage and relationships just further cement this idea, but you’re begging for trouble if your immediate circle consists of just you and your partner - especially during difficult times.

It’s your compadres that understand your troubles, it’s them on whose shoulders you need to lean.  You need several people who you can trust, with whom you can rant and vent, each bringing their own brilliant, personal perspective.  One that is sympathetic, the other who is an awesome listener and then there’s the one who will not tell you want you want to hear, but will always tell you what you need to hear.

Your partner is too close for appropriate perspective and ultimately will be interested in whatever will keep peace in the house.

No, you need your compadres because it takes a village to keep a woman together primarily because it’s a village that she carries on her back.  

COURAGE

Affirmations and all the good intentions in the world are wholly worthless if they aren’t paired with action.

While an inspirational quote can help cheer us up, or serve as a reminder when we lose our way, they are no substitute for the action that needs to happen in order to realize that change in our lives.

“Keep your chin up.”  Might be just the thing you need to hear, but if you’re not addressing and changing the thing that forces your chin down, then what’s the point?

Don’t hide behind affirmations. They’re not enough. They’re not what builds courage.

PROCRASTINATION

"Everyone procrastinates sometimes, but 20 percent of people chronically avoid difficult tasks and deliberately look for distractions—which, unfortunately, are increasingly available. Procrastination in large part reflects our perennial struggle with self-control as well as our inability to accurately predict how we'll feel tomorrow, or the next day.

Procrastinators may say they perform better under pressure, but more often than not that's their way of justifying putting things off.

The bright side? It's possible to overcome procrastination—with effort."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/procrastination

UPSIDE

If you have been complaining of the same problem(s) for over a year (I’m being generous here - a year is a long time), then congratulations you are the proud owner of a victim mentality -- or a martyr mentality, or an indignant mentality, or a defensive mentality, take your pick.

Why do so many people choose to be victims?  Because there’s a huge upside:

1. NOT MY JOB - I don’t have to look for solutions to my problems
2. THEY - are ruining my life; I am always perpetrated upon, the problem exists out there
3. DO UNTO OTHERS - my angry/defensive lashing out is justified because THEY are always picking on me
4. I COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU - but I won’t, my indignant attitude is enough, so I walk around perfectly balanced with a chip on both shoulders
5. OUT OF MY CONTROL - I’m overwhelmed
6. JUST ME - that's the way I am/always have been

Whatever the excuse may be, you get the picture, it boils down to relinquishing control of your life.

Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about true victimhood here, I’m talking about adults that complain about their lives yet do nothing to change it.  They suck others dry of sympathy, compassion and good will while not doing a damn thing to help themselves.

COMPASSION

Don’t ignore your instinct when it’s telling you that a friend, a family member, a loved one, someone you care about or even a complete stranger, is in trouble.  We all need to stop thinking that abuse is not our business just because it isn’t happening in our house.  

And we have to stop pretending that what happens to someone else doesn’t affect us.  It does.  We’re all connected, and it is our capacity for compassion that connects us.  

We all, at some time or another, need the help of another person.  The best way to receive compassion, is to give it, especially when your instinct is telling you that someone is in trouble.

CONTROL

Control is an interesting thing. While for the most part we want it for ourselves to help us feel safe, we are actually more likely to give it away or allow someone to take it from us.

In an abusive relationship it’s all about control -- them dominating and controlling you.

“Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.  

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.” http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

The most important thing to remember is that there are ways to take control back, just a little bit, just the tiniest little bit will allow you to:

MAKE A PLAN: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/break-free/escape-plan-to-get-away-from-domestic-violence/

STAY SAFE.  

LEAVE.

FEELING NAUSEOUS

"...40 per cent of Albertan men believe that if a woman wears provocative clothing, she's putting herself at risk for rape."


Research released in Alberta this week, see: www.acws.ca

Sphere of influence, 2

It was the middle of the day yesterday when I ran into my local grocery store to pick up a couple of things.  Apparently a lot of people had a similar idea.  As I said it was the middle of the day on a week day, so I was surprised to see there were a lot of people in the store and lines forming at the checkout.  Things moved slowly as only a handful of cashiers were open.  

The store manager, a diligent man whom I had seen many times pacing the floor making sure all was running smoothly, had noticed and called for more cashiers to open.  This took a couple of minutes but already people were starting to look around, fidget and one individual started grumbling out loud about how he should go to their competitor.  The effect this one person’s grumbling had was to raise the level of tension all along the checkout lines.  As cashiers opened people rushed to them without the decorum of yielding to the person next in line.  This led to some more grumbling and a woman cornering the manager warning him that she would expect a refund if her cream was spoiled because of the wait.  Needless to say, this raised the collective tension level exponentially.   

Here’s the important thing about your sphere of influence, it doesn’t exist in a vacuum.  Your actions and reactions will inevitably be brought to bear on those around you, for good or bad.  In other words, the grumblers succeeded in raising the anxiety level around them.  Conversely, had they remained calm, made light of the wait and kept the situation in perspective, they could have had a calming influence over those around them.

Bottom line, you are responsible for your sphere of influence.  You are responsible for your actions and reactions and the consequences, good or bad that come your way.  So if you don’t like what’s been coming your way lately, perhaps you should check your sphere of influence.

Sphere of influence

Your sphere of influence spans your actions and your reactions...that's it.  Changing your life is as simple as understanding that.

Brick walls and whispers...

I don’t know about you but I find that I usually don’t learn a lesson that the Universe is trying to teach me until that proverbial brick wall falls on me.  I wish I could understand the lesson at a whisper, it certainly would save me a lot of time and effort, but stubborn is just who I am I guess.

Here’s the thing, perhaps it’s stubbornness, but I’ve been thinking that perhaps it’s lack of trust in myself because for some reason it seems to me that I don’t trust things that are too easy.  I trust things that I feel I have to struggle with and be anxious over, in other words, if there isn’t some bloodletting then how worthwhile can the message be?

As I get older though I am starting to trust myself more, I’m starting to trust my gut which  is my version of a whisper.  I usually get a tightness in my solar plexus that tells me something is off, but here’s the kicker, the kicker is not only becoming aware of the whisper but doing something about it -- as it turns out, usually pausing, doing nothing, not making a decision, nothing, just holding, is what the whisper is asking me to do.

Time to ditch the mean girl

       Cruelty, to be effective, has to land on a welcoming spot.       Martha Beck

It is little wonder that our feelings get hurt by an insensitive remark when we believe so thoroughly the meanest, cruelest most insensitive remarks we hurl at ourselves.

Managing Stories

Just as we’re humming along feeling as though we’re on track and making progress toward our goals, living with compassion and authenticity, we’re smacked upside the head with something unexpected, something that knocks us back on our heels.   

While we know that leaning in toward a challenge is a good way to push through and control the stories we’re telling ourselves, things like: Why does this always happen to me? I’m never going to achieve my goal?  What’s the use? etc., sometimes, we get so stuck in this negative groove we can’t remember how to lean in.

Deepak Chopra suggests asking yourself three questions to help you get unstuck.  The answers clear a path so you can see the challenge without destructive stories.  It’s a psychological bracing that allows you to stand sideways, thrust your chest up, roll the shoulders back and with a heave, lean in.

Questions:

1. Is this a problem I should fix, put up with or walk away from?
2. Who can I consult who has solved the same problem successfully?
3. How can I reach deeper into myself for solutions?

Click the link below to view Chopra’s explanations to these questions.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Deepak-Chopra-Advice-Handling-Hard-Times

Stories

The stories we tell ourselves are usually contradicted by reality, so why do we take those stories so seriously?  Why do we take those stories to be reality?

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

This is the true test of self-love, the type of love that matters the most because the minute you begin to take responsibility for your life, you have in fact declared that you matter.

Chocolate

Dana Small, assistant professor of neurology at Northwestern University Medical School, and colleagues found that different brain regions were activated selectively depending on whether subjects were eating chocolate when they were highly motivated to eat and rated the chocolate as "very pleasant" or whether they ate chocolate despite being satiated.

Small explained that studying the brain’s response to eating a highly rewarding food such as chocolate provides an effective "in-health" model of addiction. "The problem with studying addicts to understand addiction is that we don’t know what their brains were like before the addiction and we therefore can’t determine which brain functions have changed," Small said.

Small also noted that measuring brain responses in normal individuals who ate beyond satiety provided a measure against which the brain response to overeating in many people with eating disorders can be compared and thus serve as the basis for new research on eating disorders.

Small is a researcher in the Cognitive Brain Mapping Group at Northwestern University Medical School. Collaborating on this study were Robert J. Zatorre, Alain Dagher, Alan C. Evans and Marilyn Jones-Gotman, Montreal Neurological Institute, McGill University, Montreal, Canada.

http://www.chocolate.org/choclove/