HOSTAGE

They say we should never forget where we came from.  While that’s true in gauging the distance we’ve come with humility, there are those who are heavily invested in making sure we don’t stray very far from that place, from that history, from gaining enough distance between where we were and where we think we’d like to go.  

“Those” people are holding us hostage in a time and place that we’d like to move away from.  The kicker is that they know all the triggers, all the buttons to push, all the “who do you think you are’s” to throw in our face, to keep us glued.

Some of the worst offenders are those closest to us who don’t want to change the status quo.  

The single worst offender by far however, is the one that resides within us.

OTHER

While tempting, blaming someone else, including our family of origin, for the way we are and therefore the unhappiness in our lives means that we’ve given the power to change our lives over to those people.

The thing is that there’s a vast difference between understanding our difficulties and unearthing the root causes in our family of origin, and blaming our family of origin for our difficulties.  The former allows us to retain the power to change our lives, the latter gives that power away. 

WANT

How insightful are we to want to ‘manifest’ such trivialities?  Our wants sometimes feel more like the hissy fits of a toddler than the yearnings of wise, evolved beings.  

“New Age dabblers insist that if they can just focus their mind on a huge house and a career as a movie star, they’ll “manifest” what they want. These methods try to force reality to cooperate with the small imagination of our personalities. It doesn’t work. A wayfinder’s Imagination doesn’t dominate reality. It feels into Oneness, falls in love with “what wants to happen,” and gives itself to the vision created by that love.” ~Martha Beck

The question is how long before we recognize the difference?  How long will we waste our time in resisting ‘what wants to happen’ and therefore persisting what we don’t want to happen?

REMARKABLE

Doing something remarkable isn’t about splitting the atom, brain surgery or rocket science.  It’s about doing something worth remarking on.  And the way you create something worth remarking on is by bringing your passion, your heart and your attention to it.  And this applies whether you’re bagging groceries or whether you’re creating a masterpiece.  

Ultimately, if what you’re doing doesn’t matter to you, it won’t matter, it will not leave a mark, it will not be “re-mark-able” to anyone else.

(www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/seth_godin_on_the_tribes_we_lead.html)

BROKEN

Some things: companies, people, structures, processes, etc., are broken, AND IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THEM.

DETAILS

A sure thing has a lot of details.  A sure thing has colour and texture and taste and smell, it is specific, it is unmistakable, it is certain, but most of all, it is free of anxiety and free of risk.   It provides a great deal of warm and fuzzy.

But here’s the thing, a sure thing is to life what a Snicker’s bar is to nutrition -- it has ZERO value for living your life.  

A sure thing, so full of details and so free of risk and anxiety, will NEVER provide you with the education and growth you need to achieve your goals.  

Broccoli, leafy greens, so full of risk and anxiety: “I won’t like it,”  “it’ll taste gross,”  “it might kill me,”  that's the kind of nutrition you need to live the life you were born to live.

HIT REPEAT

One radical thing women can do for themselves is to implement a zero tolerance for violence in their lives and the lives of their family.

One of the most important things we need to remember is that violence against women doesn’t need to be physical and it isn’t necessarily perpetrated by men.  

This isn’t new information, but we need to hit repeat on the message until it sinks in that it applies to you and me.  While our sphere of influence may be small, by being absolutely immovable on this one point - this zero tolerance on violence against women within our own life - the message cannot but ripple out and expand.  This is where we start.

LEAP II

Women are radical. We have been on the forefront of the biggest changes.  The most monumental shifts in society have been galvanized by women and yet as far as the issue of violence against women, we seem to have stalled.  Are we too tired?  Are we too scared?  Are we too distracted?

On the heels of the horrendous news of the young woman in India raped and killed, comes a video made by college boys raping an underage girl in Ohio.  All the news outlets are talking about it, but like everything else they talk in circles, sensationalizing, ‘talking’ about being disgusted but I don’t see the honest and true outrage.  This too will be forgotten in a day or two until another horrendous thing happens, maybe another shooting - the indignation of the latest one disappeared in record time. 

Are we too comfortably distracted? Too hooked on spending and entertainment? Too coddled and encouraged to disappear into our electronic devices?   

How do we stop this?  With record numbers of women of radical age (45 and up) and the resources to put their money where their mouth is, this is the time for another monumental shift.  It absolutely has to be.  Women must initiate it, just like our great-grandmothers did, it is our turn. We must make that radical leap because...

None of us are free if one of us is chained. 

HATERS...

...are green with envy because they’re rotten to the core!

The irony here is that they don't hate you, no, they hate themselves.  Their self-loathing is rotting them from the inside out.

NICE

I think women worry too much about being nice, about not offending anyone, not coming across like a bitch.  

So they don’t speak up when they should, they don’t offer an opinion whether they’re asked or not, they don’t say NO really loud, they don’t say STOP and mean it, they acquiesce when they really mean to say HELL NO!

We need to risk it.  We need to risk being labelled a bitch if what we’re doing is defending our position, our thoughts, our voices and those of our kids, especially our girls.  Too much is at stake.

After all it's just sticks and stones...sticks and stones.

MORE

A little over half the year is past.  It’s a good time for review.  

Where are you?  Have you fallen back on old habits and abandoned the goals you set for yourself just 6 months ago?  Or are you still on track?  Either way, all is not lost.

Here’s the thing, December is going to come irrespective of where you find yourself.  The question is, how will you find yourself?  Will you be exactly where you were last year at this time?  Or will you have accomplished some or all of your goals?  Have you resigned yourself to resignation or are you fired up and ready to supersede your expectations?

If you’ve given up at the first sign of failure, or the first sign that the result didn’t live up to expectations, then answer me this, what are you getting out of staying stuck?  Because clearly you’re getting something out of it to give in already.  Be truthful with yourself.

But if you’re disappointed with results and perhaps even discouraged that you’re not further ahead than you thought you’d be, then take heart.  Here’s what you need to know.  So long as you keep moving forward, so long as you keep taking action in the direction of your goals, perhaps with a bit of adjustment, a bit of tweaking a bit of re-engineering, then you cannot but attain your goal.

What it boils down to is trust.  Yes again, the “T” word.  I find that unlike the word “HOPE” which feels to me very passive, TRUST (perhaps because it rhymes with THRUST) feels active, feels powerful.  So, just because you’re falling a bit short of your goals, or the results you’re getting aren’t looking the way you’d like them to, I’m here to remind you that you’ve got time to make adjustments, regroup and push forward.  

But above all, you’ve got to continue to TRUST that continuing to move forward, irrespective of immediate reward, just on blind, stupid TRUST, you will absolutely get to where you want to go, you’ll realize the results you want.

You’ve got time.  TRUST + ACTION = VISION.

GO!

TRUST

Why is trusting ourselves so hard to do?  Is it because our skills, our knowledge our integrity, our values, our patience and our worth are constantly being subverted with questions like “Who do you think you are?”

The inherent danger in this is that there will come a time when we can’t hold one more gram of pain, when we can’t face another scintilla of abuse (from ourselves or another), when we won’t tolerate another instance of neglect and disrespect, when trust in ourselves is our only saving grace.

And if “Who do you think you are?” is a question you frequently ask yourself, you will trust the wrong person, the wrong thing, someone or something external to you and that’s not where trust lives.  

Trust lives in your heart.  It is the confidant of your heart’s desire.  Trust is the only thing that truly knows, who you think you are.

ILLNESS

If you think you’re getting away with not dealing with an issue because you’re choosing to deny it, not deal with it or ignore it, think again.  Sooner or later it will catch up with you in very unexpected ways.

Strong emotional energy is attached to denial (feeling guilty is a residue of denial).  This energy is negative and corrosive and it needs to go somewhere.  As an organic system your body absorbs this energy  and over time manifests in all manner of illness from ulcers to cancer. Psychologically it will manifest as depression, OCD, anxiety, PTSD and on and on.  

Even something as seemingly unrelated as being overweight is likely attributed to denial or feelings of guilt.  

What I think most people are in excruciating need of is forgiveness.  Let it go.  Those feelings we may have that tell us we deserve to be punished, tell them, tell yourself that you’ve been punished enough.  Enough is enough.  Forgive yourself.

“When I stopped praising myself for self-torture and began listening to

my body, I found that there was wisdom in my cells to exceed anything

my bewildered doctors could offer.”

--Martha Beck, The Body Whisperer

VOID

Whenever we refuse to see reality for what it is and pretend it’s something else, we create a void that fear calls home.  

Whenever we tell ourselves that we’ll change when we’re “ready,” we create a void for fear to expand into.

Whenever we rather avoid a situation than face it with courage, we create a void, an opportunity, for fear to flourish.

In no time at all, our lives will revolve around and will be controlled by, nothing but fear.

PICKY

We all have agendas.  For most of us though, our agendas or our motivation for our actions are benign, we want to be liked, we want to get our needs met, and we want a certain amount of predictability from those around us.  

However, we go wrong when we think that others don’t have agendas that are strategic and malignant.  The main driving force for these folks is to create chaos.

Most of us go wrong when preoccupied with being liked, we forget to be picky.  

COMPADRES

This may come as a revelation but it truly is not your significant other’s job to understand what you’re going through.  Just as it isn’t your job to understand what your significant other is going through.

More relationships suffer because couples don’t understand this basic premise.  People think that just because you couple up you don’t need anyone else.  Romantic notions of marriage and relationships just further cement this idea, but you’re begging for trouble if your immediate circle consists of just you and your partner - especially during difficult times.

It’s your compadres that understand your troubles, it’s them on whose shoulders you need to lean.  You need several people who you can trust, with whom you can rant and vent, each bringing their own brilliant, personal perspective.  One that is sympathetic, the other who is an awesome listener and then there’s the one who will not tell you want you want to hear, but will always tell you what you need to hear.

Your partner is too close for appropriate perspective and ultimately will be interested in whatever will keep peace in the house.

No, you need your compadres because it takes a village to keep a woman together primarily because it’s a village that she carries on her back.  

COURAGE

Affirmations and all the good intentions in the world are wholly worthless if they aren’t paired with action.

While an inspirational quote can help cheer us up, or serve as a reminder when we lose our way, they are no substitute for the action that needs to happen in order to realize that change in our lives.

“Keep your chin up.”  Might be just the thing you need to hear, but if you’re not addressing and changing the thing that forces your chin down, then what’s the point?

Don’t hide behind affirmations. They’re not enough. They’re not what builds courage.

PROCRASTINATION

"Everyone procrastinates sometimes, but 20 percent of people chronically avoid difficult tasks and deliberately look for distractions—which, unfortunately, are increasingly available. Procrastination in large part reflects our perennial struggle with self-control as well as our inability to accurately predict how we'll feel tomorrow, or the next day.

Procrastinators may say they perform better under pressure, but more often than not that's their way of justifying putting things off.

The bright side? It's possible to overcome procrastination—with effort."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/procrastination

CAVALRY

The truly tragic thing, I think, is that people are willing to let their dreams die rather than take personal responsibility, rather than be accountable for their lives.  A lot of people are still waiting for the cavalry to save them, they’re convinced that help exists outside themselves.  But it truly doesn’t.  There is no cavalry.

Even if you’re in an abusive relationship and can’t see your way out, and know you’ll need help to leave, the decision to leave can only come from you.  That first step, cannot be taken for you by anyone else.

Here's the good news: YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.  You are your own cavalry.

UPSIDE

If you have been complaining of the same problem(s) for over a year (I’m being generous here - a year is a long time), then congratulations you are the proud owner of a victim mentality -- or a martyr mentality, or an indignant mentality, or a defensive mentality, take your pick.

Why do so many people choose to be victims?  Because there’s a huge upside:

1. NOT MY JOB - I don’t have to look for solutions to my problems
2. THEY - are ruining my life; I am always perpetrated upon, the problem exists out there
3. DO UNTO OTHERS - my angry/defensive lashing out is justified because THEY are always picking on me
4. I COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU - but I won’t, my indignant attitude is enough, so I walk around perfectly balanced with a chip on both shoulders
5. OUT OF MY CONTROL - I’m overwhelmed
6. JUST ME - that's the way I am/always have been

Whatever the excuse may be, you get the picture, it boils down to relinquishing control of your life.

Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about true victimhood here, I’m talking about adults that complain about their lives yet do nothing to change it.  They suck others dry of sympathy, compassion and good will while not doing a damn thing to help themselves.