UNCONDITIONAL

Loving unconditionally isn't just something you reserve for your kids. Imagine who you would be, how you would be present as a parent, if you felt, very deeply felt, unconditional love for yourself?

NOTHING

“Better than nothing,” is the clearest expression of lack.

IT’S YOU NOT ME

Insisting that other people change, or waiting for other people to change is a form of denial.  It’s a denial of the reality that the only thing we can change is ourselves. 

What’s interesting is that the more we insist that it’s the other people that need to change the more it’s true that it’s we that need to change.  So much easier and less scary to put the onus on the other person though, isn’t it?

SHIFT

The most significant shifts are rarely huge.  Rarely are the things that change our lives earth shattering.  See, fear, is in the huge. Most of us expect ‘shaking in our boots’ kind of shock and awe when we think about change in our lives.  Little wonder we flinch at the prospect of change.  We resist.  We run the other way.  All we’re running away from though is fear, not change.

If we can stand still and lean into the fear instead we’ll actually recognize important life-changing insights that arrive small and quiet.  

CRISIS

Living with intention means paying attention.  Unfortunately paying attention takes time and effort.  Who has time for that?  We’re busy living our lives moving from one crisis to another.   

Interesting isn’t it that crisis is what shows up. 

BROKEN

Some things: companies, people, structures, processes, etc., are broken, AND IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THEM.

VOID

Whenever we refuse to see reality for what it is and pretend it’s something else, we create a void that fear calls home.  

Whenever we tell ourselves that we’ll change when we’re “ready,” we create a void for fear to expand into.

Whenever we rather avoid a situation than face it with courage, we create a void, an opportunity, for fear to flourish.

In no time at all, our lives will revolve around and will be controlled by, nothing but fear.

SPECIAL

You’re putting up with abuse or just general maltreatment because:

• you’re special
• this relationship is special
• you’re the only one who understands him
• he’s the only one who understands you
• you’ve got no one else
• he’s only got you
• you’ve never felt so in love before
• this love is different
• this love is so intense
• he so clearly needs you
• he can’t live without you
• what will he do without you
• he seems so vulnerable, you can’t possibly leave him
• he doesn’t really mean it
• he doesn’t have coping skills
• he gets angry easily
• nobody understands him
• he’s special
• and on and on
• etc., etc.

PURE BULLSHIT.  I can tell you exactly how this is going to end up and so can a multitude of other people -- it’ll end up with you wasting time, wasting energy, wasting money and wasting your life.  The sooner you open your eyes, step out of denial and take personal responsibility the sooner you can find a relationship that is worthy of you. A relationship that is special in the healthiest, best and most appropriate way possible.

Yes, you can take offense at this and yes, it’s strong language but it’s meant to be. I’m not here to make you feel comfortable, I’m here to point out how incredibly dysfunctional your relationship is and how seriously you are messing up your life by refusing to take responsibility.  Now you know.  If you are offended by this language then you need to ask yourself what are you getting out of staying in this abusive relationship if you’re feeling so defensive?  I can tell you.  You’re offended because deep down inside your instincts are telling you I’m right and you’re scared -- you should be scared - you should be scared of staying in the relationship you’re in.

MAKE A PLAN.  STAY SAFE.  LEAVE.

CONFUSION

The thing about being in an abusive relationship is that it’s confusing.  Aside from the abuser’s erratic behavior - stomping on your head one minute and declaring undying love the next - it’s the confusion going on inside of you that’s particularly puzzling.

You know you’re a good person so why is he behaving this way?

Why is your love for this person not enough to change him?

He can’t really mean the awful things he says?  Can he?

This is how he shows he loves me.  Isn’t it?

How insecure must I be to stick around?

I must really be unlovable to have him treat me this way.

He clearly sees how unworthy I am of someone like him.

And the exhaustingly endless rationalizations:

It’s just the alcohol.  It’s just the drugs.  It’s just his messed up childhood. Etc., etc., etc.

Let me offer a bit of clarity:  Love does not hurt.  Not even a little bit.

Take responsibility for what your instincts are telling you.  If you’re in pain in any way shape or form, be it physical, emotional or psychological, it isn’t love.  It isn’t worth sticking around for.

VULNERABILITY

Vulnerability isn’t weakness.  Many people confuse the two.  Vulnerability is a basic element of personal responsibility, and personal responsibility has nothing to do with being weak, quite the opposite.

We are at our weakest when we allow other people to make decisions for us, when we wallow in denial and when we disengage from our lives.  This is weakness.

To be vulnerable on the other hand, means we are plugged into our lives.  It means that while we make decisions feeling uncertain, fearful and apprehensive, we move forward anyway.  

If we were weak we’d be looking around for people, places and circumstances to blame.  We’d be busy working ourselves up to high-drama gnashing our teeth and beating our chest.

Vulnerability in service of personal responsibility takes into account the risk but acknowledges that however our choices work out, we’ll be ready for the education, one way or another.

DEPRIVATION

We can’t indulge ourselves every whim and then complain that our life isn’t the way we want it to be. 

For example, we’ll eat that slice of chocolate cake, because not to eat it would make us feel deprived, but we’ll also turn around and complain that we can’t lose weight.

Here’s the thing.  Trying to satisfy every whim, lest we feel deprived, is applying a bandaid solution to a much bigger problem.  The feelings of deprivation have their roots very deep in our childhood and not getting the love and attention we desperately needed.   But that’s a whole other blog post.

The point, in terms of personal responsibility, is this, we’re adults now!  So when you eat that chocolate cake, have that affair, buy that luxury item you can’t afford, you are making a decision to satisfy that whim.  By doing so, and here’s the punch line, you are in fact, making the decision to deprive yourself of a healthy weight, an honest and true relationship and financial security.

When we fail to take personal responsibility we are acting from a small hurt place – it’s time to explore and heal that.  Until healing happens, we will continue to have a difficult time understanding how we are responsible for how our life is working right now.

BETRAYAL

Words of wisdom by Deepak Chopra.  As you read through it think about this.   Isn’t he talking about perspective?  Isn’t he essentially talking about making many, small decisions?  From how you’re going to perceive something, to how intensely you’re going to feel something and how deeply and for how long you’re going to allow to have something seep into your soul?  Isn’t that what he’s talking about?  Isn’t he talking, fundamentally, about remembering how we are in control? Let me know your thoughts.

“After being betrayed, most of us want two things, usually at the same time. We want to wound the person who hurt us—as deeply and as excruciatingly—as we've been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.” 

“There are actions, though, that you can take to can heal yourself.

1. Gain some detachment. Stand back and view yourself as if you were the helper, not the victim.

2. Don't indulge in emotions you cannot afford. Don't act as if you’re feeling worse than you really are—or better.

3. Make a plan for emotional recovery. Look at where you hurt, feel wounded or see yourself as victimized, then set out to heal these areas. Don't rely simply on letting time do it for you.

4. Feel the hole inside and grieve over it—but promise yourself that you will fill it.

5. Seek a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and has come out on the other side.

6. Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday. Don't fixate on the past or what might have been.

7. Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else. Counter regret by seeking out activities that build your self-esteem.

It requires a good deal of objectivity to set about following such a program. Nothing is easier, of course, than doing the opposite, for example:

1. Dwelling obsessively on how you were wronged. Feeling exultant in our self-righteous pain.

2. Turning your pain into an ongoing drama.

3. Acting erratic and scattered, with no plan for getting better.

4. Mourning your loss forever. Not looking honestly at the hole inside yourself because it is too painful or you feel too weak.

5. Talking to the wrong people about your woes. Seeking out those who keep agreeing with you and amplifying our resentment by egging you on. 

6. Idealizing the past. Obsessing over the good times that are gone. 

7. Letting self-pity and regret dominate your state of mind.  This kind of behavior only makes a betrayal linger.”

Reposted from: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/What-to-Do-When-Youve-Been-Betrayed-Deepak-Chopra#ixzz1zIINRNHq

TRUTH

OMG.   SO SIMPLE.   SO TRUE.

“It’s not your job to like me - it’s mine.”

~ Byron Katie

PAIN

Love this:

“To ameliorate pain, feel it.  What you resist you will persist.” ~ Deepak Chopra

SIMPLE vs EASY

Humans are stubborn.  They say they want things to be simple, but in reality they don’t.  They’re suspicious of things that are too simple.  But let’s be clear - I’m saying simple -- not easy.  There’s a big distinction.

So how do you begin to live your best life?  It’s a confusing thing when you first try to understand it but it’s really quite... simple.

The simple part is needing to stay in the present. The best way to do that is focus on your breath, going in and going out -- that’s it.  Simple yes, easy...not so much.

The second thing you do is separate your THOUGHTS from YOU - again, pretty simple in concept, not so easy in practice.

The best way to accomplish the first is to simply do it, pay attention to your breath as you intake air and as you let it go - do it slowly.  It becomes easy with practice.

The best way to accomplish the second is to come to the realization that YOU are NOT your THOUGHTS.  This is mindblowing once you understand that.  The way I found helped me is to first understand what it is to touch the centre of who I am without any words -- I find focusing a sense of calm around the area of my heart allows me access to who I am - gives me a sense of the spirit of who I am.

Then this equation:

THOUGHT

‘RIVER’

YOU

I do it visually - I visualize a bank on either side of a river, on the far bank are my thoughts and as one tries to cross the river, I let it be swept up in it.  My spirit self is on the other side untouched and whole.  The objective is to sit quietly with your spirit self for as long as possible without having any of the thoughts cross the river.  

The only way this becomes easy is with practice.  But there is no question that it is simple.  It requires no special training, equipment, roadmap, outfit, space, furniture, appliance, nothing - just you. Easy!

FOOTPRINT

How do you stand in the world?  Is it apologetic, slump-shouldered and up against the wall?  Is it on tippy-toes stepping over eggshells your nerves frayed, your stomach in knots?  

How do you occupy real estate in your life?  Are you spread so thin and say yes to so many things that you’re showing up as your mediocre self at best?  Are you focusing on curb appeal - what you look like from the outside and neglecting what’s happening on the inside?

You are bequeathed a footprint when you are born, an allotted space that is solely yours to take up.  Some of us forget that and shrink back occupying less and less space, we do this literally sometimes, with dysmorphic body issues: eating disorders to get so thin we almost disappear; never speaking up for ourselves and letting people trample us under foot, staying in abusive relationships that end in others literally ending us.  It is not okay.  

Our space is our space, it is ours to take up, it is ours to maintain, like a garden to plant and weed and tend, to harvest and set seeds free to pollinate again.  It is absolutely okay to build a fence around this garden, as a boundary to others, as a parameter for ourselves that reminds us who and what can and cannot cross it.

BACKWARD

Is going back always a step backward?  Not if going back means healing past pain, forgiving individuals, getting clarity on circumstances that have haunted you.  Going back for this purpose is actually a step forward, a move toward getting unstuck and freedom to live your best life.

ASKING

If you ask, people will invariable step up and deliver.  Our biggest mistake is that we expect people to ‘DIVINE’ our wants and needs -- and most people are just too busy navel gazing to see that you’re expecting them to read their mind.   So we don't ask, we fume, we get resentful.

Expecting people to DIVINE lets YOU off the hook because having to ask someone for help, or for support, or whatever, would necessitate some introspection on your part.  You may have to get clear about what you're asking and why you’re asking it (I feel needy, I feel vulnerable).  Or even worse, you may not get the support you asked for which would then open up a whole other can of worms. Why am I with someone who won't support me when I ask for it?

People avoid introspection like the plague because they’re worried that if they actually stumble on some insight they might have to do something about it.

EGADS!

I think it's more authentic and honest if we drop this macho/pride-filled crap and be straightforward. If you need some slack, ask for it.  If you need some reassurance, ask for it.  If you need a cheer, ask for it.  Get in touch with your needy side, your vulnerable side, we all have one and no, we don't reside there all the time -- that's the good news.

ENTHUSIASM

Enthusiasm is a dangerous thing.  Whether my own or caught up in someone else’s, I often feel as though I’m looking through a telescope -- my vision simultaneously far-reaching and constricted.

Rollicking in the depths of enthusiasm I forget to check-in with my internal GPS, and find enthusiasm has lured me into a forest and enchanted me with the lovely fauna and flora.  When realization finally does kick in, I’m lost and all I see are giant, towering trees.

I then spend a great deal of time and energy trying to extricate myself and get back to the path I really want to be on.

Moral of the story -- allow for enthusiasm, but keep a very close eye on your GPS.

DELUSIONS

How can you tell a gambling addict from a gambling professional?  The level of delusion.  The addict is mired in it, he ignores the many failures in his path and ‘feels in his bones’ the win in the next big hand.  

The gambling professional, on the other hand, barely dips his toe in the water of delusion.  What he knows in his bones is that he’s studied the game, he has a strategy, he has weighed his wins and losses realistically and can almost predict the outcome of any game.  The professional uses this understanding to move forward, to hold or to fold.  The addict knows only one trajectory, forward -- some people call that ‘driven,’ ‘passionate,’ ‘committed.’  But without a reality check, the addicts’ forward trajectory can only lead down the road to desolation.

The point is that if you’re pursuing something the trajectory of which is predicated solely on ‘what you feel in your bones,’ I’d recommend an environmental assessment.   Without some anchor to reality you could be chasing an illusion through delusion.