QUESTIONS

I think it’s no accident that we start asking hard questions about the quality and direction of our life around the age of 50.  If we’re lucky and have taken good care of ourselves we have a good 30 - 35 years left.  It’s a critical time.  Big shifts in our lives happen around this age especially for women.  Our parents become frail, ill or pass away, our major relationships either end or are transformed, our children leave the nest, our careers lose their meaning.  

Questions about who we are and how we fit into the environment we’ve created for ourselves pester us around this time because chances are, we aren’t living the lives we really want to be living.  

PERFECTION

I love this:

“Writer’s block is another way of saying that the author prefers the ideal work still locked in the imagination than what they see coming from their keyboard.”*

I submit that it doesn’t just apply to writers.  If at any time we hold back from doing something, achieving a goal or following a dream,  it’s because we’re harboring an ideal of this thing we’d like to do, in our imagination, that is whole, complete AND perfect.  

This idea in our heads psyches us out because our first tentative steps will look absolutely nothing like what’s in our heads.  We recoil at our feeble, ugly, misshapen attempt.  Some of us will give it some time and try again, and again, until lo-and-behold, it starts to take form and see some semblance of that perfect thing.  

Most of us will not go back and try again.  Most of us will bask in the glow of that perfect thing that exists only in our minds and ignore the sense of profound regret that descends on our hearts.  Perfection is in the eye of the beholder and the mind’s eye cannot be trusted.  

True perfection comes from the doing, from something we have achieved and can look at and see. Perfection comes from taking action, again and again and again.
*How to overcome procrastination, and perfectionsm

Published on April 8, 2013 by Nigel Barber, Ph.D. in The Human Beast

EXPRESSION

The negative feelings in our bodies generate negative energy.  If this negative energy has nowhere to go it will manifest as illness in our bodies.  Better to build this negative energy an escape hatch.   

Our creative expression, whatever it may be, can serve as a means through which to dissipate some of this negative energy.  

Creative doesn’t need to mean ‘art’.  Creative can mean running, or cycling, dancing, playing the yukulele, even basket weaving.  So long as it serves as a channel for negative energy to travel through.  So long as it’s a way for bad energy to leave your body.

Next time you're running or cycling, rather than zoning out, zone in instead.  Try zoning into the negative energy, wether it’s anger, fear or shame, whatever way this negative energy manifests in your body, zone in.  As you zone in, increase the intensity of whatever you may be doing for a couple of seconds and then back off.  Do this until you feel the bad energy leaving your body.  It’s a productive way to use your creative mode of expression. 

ENDINGS

As we grow in wisdom and awareness we must let the old parts of us die and mourn them with respectful times of grief.  And just like some deaths that are unbearably prolonged and painful so some of our deaths will be.  All this is right and necessary because if all the ‘who we were’s’ did not die there would be no room for the magnificent ‘who we will become’s.’

LEAP II

Women are radical. We have been on the forefront of the biggest changes.  The most monumental shifts in society have been galvanized by women and yet as far as the issue of violence against women, we seem to have stalled.  Are we too tired?  Are we too scared?  Are we too distracted?

On the heels of the horrendous news of the young woman in India raped and killed, comes a video made by college boys raping an underage girl in Ohio.  All the news outlets are talking about it, but like everything else they talk in circles, sensationalizing, ‘talking’ about being disgusted but I don’t see the honest and true outrage.  This too will be forgotten in a day or two until another horrendous thing happens, maybe another shooting - the indignation of the latest one disappeared in record time. 

Are we too comfortably distracted? Too hooked on spending and entertainment? Too coddled and encouraged to disappear into our electronic devices?   

How do we stop this?  With record numbers of women of radical age (45 and up) and the resources to put their money where their mouth is, this is the time for another monumental shift.  It absolutely has to be.  Women must initiate it, just like our great-grandmothers did, it is our turn. We must make that radical leap because...

None of us are free if one of us is chained. 

END

When you’re striving for something and you fall down it’s never the end.  So long as you’re still breathing it’s not the end.  There are no judgements that matter except your own.  So long as you keep getting up it’s not the end. 

It may be the end of the year, and you may have accomplished some or all the goals you set for yourself, it still isn’t the end.  There is only one end -- the great equalizer that levels us all, literally.  But until that happens, and you may find yourself stumbled and down, it’s just for the moment, it’s not permanent.  Get up and if you have to, start again.  

LUXURY

Do you think your nest, your environment is luxurious?  Why not?  I think for many of us we associate luxury with expensive and external -- a high monetary value, a material thing.  It’s no surprise really since as a society we have come to measure value and luxury in a terrifically skewed way.  

In truth, the value of a thing lies in its transference, in making us feel good, loved or cared for.  A material thing will never make you feel that, not at your core and not for the long term.

True luxury comes from something bigger than us.  From our spirit that gives and receives selflessly a smile, a kindness, a loving gesture.  From the universe we receive luxurious gifts through nature, animals, the stars.  

It’s easy to fill our nests, our environment with luxurious things -- flowers, our pets, creating a loving and nurturing atmosphere.  This is meaningful luxury we can all afford.  Luxury that fosters wellbeing, safety and nurture, luxury that is truly PRICELESS.

Heading into the holiday season this is really important to remember.

(Taken from the spirit of the 21 day meditation challenge with Dr. Deepak Chopra:  https://www.chopracentermeditation.com/Bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=172)

NEST

If you can put your particular religious beliefs aside for about 30 minutes, I’d like to invite you to look at this video.  

It is on point with the GOODNESS OF FIT I’ve been talking about, and I’ve been talking about it because I’m working on a large project that deals with precisely this critically important issue that underpins all of our pain and suffering.   When I saw Bishop TD Jakes speak of the same thing so beautifully, I had to share it.  

Listen to WHAT he’s saying: http://www.tdjakes.org/  Click on the POTTER’S TOUCH BROADCAST

ADULT

While the gap in our goodness of fit had its impact on us as children when we had no defense, it all changes when we’re adults.  Rather than using these issues as excuses, as adults, we have to come to this sometimes difficult realization....

"All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you."

 --- Joseph Campbell

EXPECTATIONS

Expect the best and the best will happen.  

Send love on ahead and love will be waiting for you - I’m not talking romantic love here, I’m talking love as in goodwill and compassion.

The reality is that the energy that you put out there is what you attract back to you.

If you don’t believe that, you can always test it.  Go ahead, expect the absolute worst, and see whether that's what you get.

Send anger, bitterness and anxiety on ahead and see what awaits you.

NICE

I think women worry too much about being nice, about not offending anyone, not coming across like a bitch.  

So they don’t speak up when they should, they don’t offer an opinion whether they’re asked or not, they don’t say NO really loud, they don’t say STOP and mean it, they acquiesce when they really mean to say HELL NO!

We need to risk it.  We need to risk being labelled a bitch if what we’re doing is defending our position, our thoughts, our voices and those of our kids, especially our girls.  Too much is at stake.

After all it's just sticks and stones...sticks and stones.

UPSIDE

If you have been complaining of the same problem(s) for over a year (I’m being generous here - a year is a long time), then congratulations you are the proud owner of a victim mentality -- or a martyr mentality, or an indignant mentality, or a defensive mentality, take your pick.

Why do so many people choose to be victims?  Because there’s a huge upside:

1. NOT MY JOB - I don’t have to look for solutions to my problems
2. THEY - are ruining my life; I am always perpetrated upon, the problem exists out there
3. DO UNTO OTHERS - my angry/defensive lashing out is justified because THEY are always picking on me
4. I COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU - but I won’t, my indignant attitude is enough, so I walk around perfectly balanced with a chip on both shoulders
5. OUT OF MY CONTROL - I’m overwhelmed
6. JUST ME - that's the way I am/always have been

Whatever the excuse may be, you get the picture, it boils down to relinquishing control of your life.

Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about true victimhood here, I’m talking about adults that complain about their lives yet do nothing to change it.  They suck others dry of sympathy, compassion and good will while not doing a damn thing to help themselves.

CONTROL

Control is an interesting thing. While for the most part we want it for ourselves to help us feel safe, we are actually more likely to give it away or allow someone to take it from us.

In an abusive relationship it’s all about control -- them dominating and controlling you.

“Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.  

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.” http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

The most important thing to remember is that there are ways to take control back, just a little bit, just the tiniest little bit will allow you to:

MAKE A PLAN: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/break-free/escape-plan-to-get-away-from-domestic-violence/

STAY SAFE.  

LEAVE.

WHO

What your life looks like, feels like and proceeds like is up to you and based on every decision you’ve made up to this point.  Right down to how you’re choosing to perceive things that have happened that are beyond your control.   

It confounds me when I hear people complaining about how unhappy they are with their lives.  How they willingly engage in unproductive/destructive behavior and then look around for people/things/circumstances to blame.

I’m going to explore the issue of personal responsibility this month. It’s so critically important because when you begin to take responsibility for your life, your life changes.

BETRAYAL

Words of wisdom by Deepak Chopra.  As you read through it think about this.   Isn’t he talking about perspective?  Isn’t he essentially talking about making many, small decisions?  From how you’re going to perceive something, to how intensely you’re going to feel something and how deeply and for how long you’re going to allow to have something seep into your soul?  Isn’t that what he’s talking about?  Isn’t he talking, fundamentally, about remembering how we are in control? Let me know your thoughts.

“After being betrayed, most of us want two things, usually at the same time. We want to wound the person who hurt us—as deeply and as excruciatingly—as we've been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.” 

“There are actions, though, that you can take to can heal yourself.

1. Gain some detachment. Stand back and view yourself as if you were the helper, not the victim.

2. Don't indulge in emotions you cannot afford. Don't act as if you’re feeling worse than you really are—or better.

3. Make a plan for emotional recovery. Look at where you hurt, feel wounded or see yourself as victimized, then set out to heal these areas. Don't rely simply on letting time do it for you.

4. Feel the hole inside and grieve over it—but promise yourself that you will fill it.

5. Seek a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and has come out on the other side.

6. Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday. Don't fixate on the past or what might have been.

7. Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else. Counter regret by seeking out activities that build your self-esteem.

It requires a good deal of objectivity to set about following such a program. Nothing is easier, of course, than doing the opposite, for example:

1. Dwelling obsessively on how you were wronged. Feeling exultant in our self-righteous pain.

2. Turning your pain into an ongoing drama.

3. Acting erratic and scattered, with no plan for getting better.

4. Mourning your loss forever. Not looking honestly at the hole inside yourself because it is too painful or you feel too weak.

5. Talking to the wrong people about your woes. Seeking out those who keep agreeing with you and amplifying our resentment by egging you on. 

6. Idealizing the past. Obsessing over the good times that are gone. 

7. Letting self-pity and regret dominate your state of mind.  This kind of behavior only makes a betrayal linger.”

Reposted from: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/What-to-Do-When-Youve-Been-Betrayed-Deepak-Chopra#ixzz1zIINRNHq

20/20

Time plays a key role in moving us toward our flight imperative.  In his article, Why the Deepest Lessons Take Time to Absorb, John Caddell writes: 

“Only with the passing of time can the intense emotions (positive or negative) of an event fall away and allow us to recognize mistakes and our contribution to them.”

Read the article here:http://the99percent.com/articles/7194/Why-The-Deepest-Lessons-Take-Time-To-Absorb

RELATIONSHIPS VII

Trifles light as air
Are to the jealous confirmations strong
As proofs of holy writ.
Othello (3.3.360-2)

Jealousy is a sickness.  It has never been and never will be about love, ever. 

 It is another way of ingesting poison and expecting the other person to die*.

*Paraphrased from Deepak Chopra.

RELATIONSHIPS ~ II

Why is it then, when we know that people won’t change for us, that we continue to stay? Why is it that we stay with people we don’t respect?

That’s right, you should actually still respect the person you’re with.  I know, this concept is a revelation to some people.  If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time you’re probably thinking, ‘Are you kidding me, that’s like asking me to respect my couch.’  Well, if that’s what you’re thinking, you’ve got problems - I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship hasn’t been fulfilling for a very long time, and so you hang in there because it’s comfortable? Because it’s easy?

What a load of crap that is.  Come on people, really?  It’s a midlife crisis waiting to happen.  Where do you think the craving for fast cars and slow cheap women comes from?

How about when we stay with individuals who beat us, demean us, are disengaged from us, use us, tread us underfoot literally and emotionally?  Dismiss us? What’s going on there?  Are you seriously thinking that they will change?  Really?  Are you staying for the kids?  Have you thought about that? What are you mentoring your kids by staying?

Trust me when I tell you that for your partner to decide that what’s working for them now isn’t working anymore, you'll be waiting a very long time.  Consider that:

1. You don’t have the time to wait for them to change --  10 years will pass like a lightning strike.  You’ll be 10 years older devastated for having wasted all this time.
2. You don’t have the energy to waste waiting around for them to get their act together -- you could be doing something that actually gives you energy, infuses your life with vitality, like: getting an education, working at a rewarding career, being a strong mentor to your kids, your nieces and nephews, your friends.
3. Waiting around squanders opportunities to be with someone who adores you, who is easy to be with, who wants the same things you do.

Like sister Aretha sang R-E-S-P-E-C-T. By waiting for someone to change you're communicating to yourself and everyone else around you that you don't matter.

TAKE HOME MESSAGE:  You only have control over you, over what changes you want to make.  That’s it. When you decide to make a change the message becomes,  'YES, I Matter!'  There is nothing more energizing and awesome than that.

CAVEAT: Don’t threaten to make changes, if you say you’re going to make them, do it.  Empty threats erode your self-respect and add fuel to their abuse.

DO OR DIE

See the getting up had to come from me, from something inside me and it’s the same whether you’re a junkie or a battered woman, you have to hit bottom, it has be a personal bottom and so low and deep as to leave a mark, a mark that actually frightens you.  

Only then, only when you feel that mark, I suppose some kind of searing on your soul that snaps you out of the trance you’re in, something so painful to wake you up and make you realize that you are tired, you are drop on the spot, right down to the bone tired and you don’t want to do this anymore.  In fact, that awfulness and that pain has to be so vivid and real for you that it has to sustain you, it has to buttress you when you try to stand, when you try to regain your balance.  

It’ll be that raw burn that you feel on your soul every time you even think of returning back to where you were, every time you even think you see a glimpse of where you were and your crazy mind entertains a fleeting thought of going back there again.  

RADICAL

Do you agree that women get more radical as they get older?

I know that as I age, I have less tolerance for the amount of crap (emotional or otherwise) I have in my life.  How about you?

Are you 50 or 50+ and do you feel more radical?  Are you ready for a change? Are you taking steps to making that change?  

Let me know by leaving a comment.