PICKY

I was once told that the reason I wasn’t in a relationship was because I was too picky.  I thought about that for a long time and even thought wow, maybe I should be less so.  And then it hit me.  THANK GOD I’m picky.  Why wouldn’t I be?

From what I see with people in relationships and circumstances in which they are incredibly unhappy or at the very least compromising their best selves, I would say that we are simply not picky enough.

And what does it mean to be picky? It doesn't mean you're arrogant, aloof and disengaged. It means you have values and you intend to stick to them.

FREEDOM

The Buddha often said that wherever you find water, you can tell if it’s

the ocean because the ocean always tastes of salt. By the same token,

anywhere you find enlightenment —whatever improbable or unfamiliar

shape it may have assumed— you can tell it’s enlightenment

because enlightenment always tastes of freedom.

Not comfort. Not ease. Freedom.

~ Martha Beck

What an amazing distinction - comfort is often misunderstood as freedom, ease is often mistaken for freedom, but true freedom is neither comfortable nor easy.  Freedom is an imperative that leaves you no choice but to move toward the cliff and barely braced, compels you to jump off.  

If you’re scared to death because a decision you have to make is taking you like a fast moving train toward a 100 foot drop, then baby hang on, because you’re on the path to freedom.

UPON

We are not acted upon.  We react upon.

Our circumstances are a result of our reaction to what comes our way.

COMPLEXITY

Since we create complexity in our lives, we can also work to eliminate it.  But wait, you say, what about the things that enter my live that add complexity, that I can’t do anything about, things like my kids, my boss, that pile of laundry in the corner.  AH.  

We tend to get caught up in the literal. There will always be a layer of complexity that we can’t LITERALLY make disappear (no matter how badly we wished we could).  The complexity we do have control over however, is our thought process.  In and of itself that pile of laundry is just a thing.  It doesn’t actually have meaning, until of course, we invest it with some.  

That’s the difference.  How we think about things, how we initiate things, how we interpret things, how complex our relationships are, how complex our environment is (for example, if our house is a mess and how that stresses us out), is all a product of how we’ve thought about these things and what meaning we’ve given them. 

Change the meaning, eliminate the complexity.

LIVE NOW

Yup, living in the present moment is definitely the healthiest, most aware and enlightened thing to do.  But most of us don’t really understand what that means.  It doesn’t mean what advertising and marketing geniuses want us to think it means. 

 “Live now” in our popular culture is an object-referral type of living.  We are supposed to define ourselves by the objects that we acquire and surround ourselves with, by the superficial, popularity based relationships we’re supposed to have, by the vacuous gratification from our 15 minutes of fame.  Nothing good will come of this kind of ‘living now’ because we can lose those objects.  Our so called friends and significant others, drawn to us from this type of energy will disappear.  And while all this disappears, so does our sense of who we think we are.

No.  Living now, in the present moment, is about living from the inside out.  It’s about being present with authentic self-esteem that comes from self-referral.  It’s a simple acknowledgment of what is the most fundamental of being human, of being us.  Compassion and love.  It’s about gratitude for the opportunity to be alive today.  It’s about appreciating the power of things we have no control over, like air, like our breath, like our heart beating. But most especially, living in the now is about embracing our heartaches and pain, holding them tenderly and then letting them go.  They do not belong to us.  They belong to what happened then.  And now we are living in the present.

REGRET

I’m not sure we truly understand regret, what it means and the impact it has on our lives. The problem is that we can’t wait until we’re 80 or 90-years of age to wrap our brain around it.  We need to understand the toll regret takes now when there’s still time to do something about it, to make sure our regrets are few.  

CAREFUL

In digging into my own family of origin I’ve discovered that my parents chose to make decisions away from opportunities time and time again.  While thinking how interesting this was, and how those decisions were made from a fear-based belief system, it suddenly struck me that I was doing exactly the same thing.

Every time I was procrastinating working on a project I knew I should be working on, I was making a decision away from opportunity.  Now that, is hugely interesting.

This is the kind of understanding that shifts our paradigm.

PATH

Achieving a state of serenity is not dependent on whether people and things cooperate  with us and “start acting right” in order for it to descend on us.  All is already aligned for serenity.  The problem is that we look out to find it, when it has always resided within.

Our perspective, how we look at things, whether we’re the martyr, victim or bully, under-achiever or over-achiever, spinning our wheels or feeling entitled, has everything to do with whether serenity escapes us or wether we know the path to it like the back of our hand.

WHY NOT YOU?

Trials, tribulations, challenges, bad days, failures, why you?  Why not you?  

If we’re lucky, really, really lucky, our lives will have all of these struggles in it.  How else can we tell how strong we really are?  How else can our life be an education, how can it be growth?  

AWE

Each day we should cultivate awe.  Awe is wordless, jaw-dropping wonder.  If you think that your life is not big enough to contain awe, think again.  Look at your children, trees, sky, clouds, birds, your pet.  Awe is all around us all the time.  We really just need to pay attention to what's around us right now. 

DHARMA

It’s about our life calling.  It’s not about our dreams because dreams suggest a certain wishing, a far off vague idea. Dharma is baked in, it’s part of our nature.  But it’s inert, it’s up to us to pay attention and bring it to life.

FUTURE

We can’t predict the future so why do we spend so much time trying to get into it?  We miss the present, which is all we really have, we miss what’s happening right now because we’re trying to chase down something that is impossible to know.  The future.  

Futurizing, or fretting about what’s going to happen, running down scenarios of what we’re afraid might happen is actually attracting all of that to us.  Let me repeat:  WHAT WE FOCUS ON, WE ATTRACT.

The thing is, if we concentrate more on RIGHT NOW, really appreciate what’s in front and around us, feel love and gratitude for THE HERE AND NOW, we have a much greater impact on the future being what we really want it to be.  

UPSIDE

If you have been complaining of the same problem(s) for over a year (I’m being generous here - a year is a long time), then congratulations you are the proud owner of a victim mentality -- or a martyr mentality, or an indignant mentality, or a defensive mentality, take your pick.

Why do so many people choose to be victims?  Because there’s a huge upside:

1. NOT MY JOB - I don’t have to look for solutions to my problems
2. THEY - are ruining my life; I am always perpetrated upon, the problem exists out there
3. DO UNTO OTHERS - my angry/defensive lashing out is justified because THEY are always picking on me
4. I COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU - but I won’t, my indignant attitude is enough, so I walk around perfectly balanced with a chip on both shoulders
5. OUT OF MY CONTROL - I’m overwhelmed
6. JUST ME - that's the way I am/always have been

Whatever the excuse may be, you get the picture, it boils down to relinquishing control of your life.

Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about true victimhood here, I’m talking about adults that complain about their lives yet do nothing to change it.  They suck others dry of sympathy, compassion and good will while not doing a damn thing to help themselves.

CONTROL

Control is an interesting thing. While for the most part we want it for ourselves to help us feel safe, we are actually more likely to give it away or allow someone to take it from us.

In an abusive relationship it’s all about control -- them dominating and controlling you.

“Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.  

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.” http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

The most important thing to remember is that there are ways to take control back, just a little bit, just the tiniest little bit will allow you to:

MAKE A PLAN: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/break-free/escape-plan-to-get-away-from-domestic-violence/

STAY SAFE.  

LEAVE.

“AND” & “THE”

For the rest of July I will focus on personal responsibility and how it relates to violent and abusive relationships.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic whether he’s got a drink in his hand or not.  In between drinks he has difficulty managing responsibilities at home and at work, exhibits physical withdrawal symptoms, and displays emotional and behavioral changes, such as acting erratically: either he’ll be angry all the time, or vacillate between being defensive and charming.   

So too the violent abuser who is still an abuser whether he’s striking you or not, whether he’s physically abusing you or is rather emotionally tormenting you.  

My point is that an abuser is an abuser whether he’s caught in the act or whether he’s buying you roses as an apology for the black eye.  

If you are on the receiving end of the abuse please know:

1) You did not cause it - irrespective of what the abuser is telling you

2) You do not deserve it - irrespective of how the abuser is making you feel

3) It isn’t the alcohol and it isn’t because your abuser had a rough childhood - regardless of what your abuser tells you when he apologizes

4) You must leave - irrespective of whether your abuser is telling you you’ve got no place to go and no one will care  -- people care and there are places to go - this is your responsibility because you cannot allow your abuser to steal another second of your life.  If you have children, you have absolute responsibility over them, and the urgency in leaving goes double.  

Here’s the overwhelming thing you need to know about your abuser.  He (or she) is a LIAR.  Lying is just one of the tools they use to manipulate you with -- that’s all.  Please, please, please remember this if you remember anything -- everything coming out of their mouth is a lie even the words ‘and’ and ‘the’.  

Make a plan.  Be safe.  LEAVE.

RELATIONSHIPS ~ II

Why is it then, when we know that people won’t change for us, that we continue to stay? Why is it that we stay with people we don’t respect?

That’s right, you should actually still respect the person you’re with.  I know, this concept is a revelation to some people.  If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time you’re probably thinking, ‘Are you kidding me, that’s like asking me to respect my couch.’  Well, if that’s what you’re thinking, you’ve got problems - I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship hasn’t been fulfilling for a very long time, and so you hang in there because it’s comfortable? Because it’s easy?

What a load of crap that is.  Come on people, really?  It’s a midlife crisis waiting to happen.  Where do you think the craving for fast cars and slow cheap women comes from?

How about when we stay with individuals who beat us, demean us, are disengaged from us, use us, tread us underfoot literally and emotionally?  Dismiss us? What’s going on there?  Are you seriously thinking that they will change?  Really?  Are you staying for the kids?  Have you thought about that? What are you mentoring your kids by staying?

Trust me when I tell you that for your partner to decide that what’s working for them now isn’t working anymore, you'll be waiting a very long time.  Consider that:

1. You don’t have the time to wait for them to change --  10 years will pass like a lightning strike.  You’ll be 10 years older devastated for having wasted all this time.
2. You don’t have the energy to waste waiting around for them to get their act together -- you could be doing something that actually gives you energy, infuses your life with vitality, like: getting an education, working at a rewarding career, being a strong mentor to your kids, your nieces and nephews, your friends.
3. Waiting around squanders opportunities to be with someone who adores you, who is easy to be with, who wants the same things you do.

Like sister Aretha sang R-E-S-P-E-C-T. By waiting for someone to change you're communicating to yourself and everyone else around you that you don't matter.

TAKE HOME MESSAGE:  You only have control over you, over what changes you want to make.  That’s it. When you decide to make a change the message becomes,  'YES, I Matter!'  There is nothing more energizing and awesome than that.

CAVEAT: Don’t threaten to make changes, if you say you’re going to make them, do it.  Empty threats erode your self-respect and add fuel to their abuse.

VALUE

Why is it that we so often allow others to determine our value?  I think we allow others to make that determination when we don’t see, believe or trust, our value, ourselves.

DO OR DIE

See the getting up had to come from me, from something inside me and it’s the same whether you’re a junkie or a battered woman, you have to hit bottom, it has be a personal bottom and so low and deep as to leave a mark, a mark that actually frightens you.  

Only then, only when you feel that mark, I suppose some kind of searing on your soul that snaps you out of the trance you’re in, something so painful to wake you up and make you realize that you are tired, you are drop on the spot, right down to the bone tired and you don’t want to do this anymore.  In fact, that awfulness and that pain has to be so vivid and real for you that it has to sustain you, it has to buttress you when you try to stand, when you try to regain your balance.  

It’ll be that raw burn that you feel on your soul every time you even think of returning back to where you were, every time you even think you see a glimpse of where you were and your crazy mind entertains a fleeting thought of going back there again.  

Forgiveness

Does not mean that we absolve people that have hurt us.

Does not mean that we condone what has been done to us.

It means we stop wishing that our history can be different from what it is.  

It means we stop dragging the refuse of our history along with us.

Forgiveness may take a lifetime to achieve, and while we may never fully forgive others, we must absolutely, forgive ourselves.

FEELING NAUSEOUS

"...40 per cent of Albertan men believe that if a woman wears provocative clothing, she's putting herself at risk for rape."


Research released in Alberta this week, see: www.acws.ca