CHANGE

You can't make anyone else change and no one else can make you change.  That's true.  Only you have the power to change yourself -- on anything.  In fact, changing yourself is the only thing you actually have control over.

Here's the thing, changing yourself doesn't mean making big, scary shifts in our lives, changing ourselves can simply mean choosing to react differently.

ANSWERS

The Universe has three answers for you:
1) Yes
2) Not yet
3) I have something even better in store for you

Believe. Trust. Let go.

ADVICE

The good stuff...

"[...] is priceless. Not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. Not imaginary, but practical. Not based on fear, but on possibility. Not designed to make you feel better, designed to make you better.

Seek it out and embrace the true friends that care enough to risk sharing it.

I'm not sure what takes more guts—giving it or getting it."

Seth Godin

WORTH IT

“You get what you pay for” is an axiom we use to assess the value of a product.  That’s how we’re best familiar with it.   But it’s also a great way to assess our own value and the value of the lessons we’ve learned.  

Here’s the thing.  If we’re skating on the surface of our lives, avoiding risks, playing it safe, listening to the drivel that fear chatters in our ears, then our experience in living life has cost us nothing.  On the other hand, the more emotionally expensive an experience, the more it cost us in blood, sweat and tears, the more value that experience has for us.

If you’ve had a challenging life, a life that seems to throw obstacles in your way at every turn.  Or, if you have a need to challenge yourself, to keep jumping off cliffs to test out your wings, then send the Universe a prayer of thanks, because chances are you recognize the value of who you have become having paid dearly for that wisdom and insight.

WHO

It’s critical that we know who we are otherwise anyone can convince us we're anything.  And believe me, they’ll line up to do it.

RELENTLESS

And with all its stealth and quiet the Universe will assert itself, relentlessly. It will not let up until you get it.  It’ll make you broke, get you sick and allow you to make the biggest most awful mistakes you can imagine just to get its message across.  Watch out and buckle up. 

HEART

The other day the words THE DEBT IS PAID appeared in my head seemingly out of nowhere.  All of a sudden I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and clarity, like a puzzle piece had just fallen into place.  

Our heart speaks to us all the time and it speaks clearly and succinctly and tells us exactly what we need to know.  The only problem is that it speaks softly and if we’re not paying attention we’ll miss it.  Vigilance is the key. If we’re searching for answers to a problem, get still and listen.  The answer will float through the ether and descend perfectly formed into our consciousness.

UNCONDITIONAL

Loving unconditionally isn't just something you reserve for your kids. Imagine who you would be, how you would be present as a parent, if you felt, very deeply felt, unconditional love for yourself?

AND/OR

A life well lived is never about either Truth OR Dare but rather, Truth AND Dare.

NOTHING

“Better than nothing,” is the clearest expression of lack.

GREEN

The grass is not greener on the other side.  It is plenty green exactly where you’re standing if you just paid attention to where you were standing.  That’s gratitude.

ZEBRA

When you hear hoofbeats don’t think zebras, think horses.

It’s an aphorism that reminds us that solutions are usually not as exotic or as complex as our lizard brain would make us believe.  Sometimes a solution simply requires that we do absolutely nothing.  Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is by not creating one in the first place.  

In other words, when confronted with a horse, don’t turn it into a zebra.

FIT

What relationships have you outgrown?

What attitudes have you outgrown?

What habits have you outgrown?

Stop trying to squeeze yourself into things you’ve outgrown.  Time to move on.

THE POWER OF STORY

We can’t underestimate the power of story.  Stories; those told to us and those we tell ourselves have huge influence on who we are and how we live our lives.  What we forget however is that if we’re living a story that doesn’t fit with who we are we can change it.

And how do we change our story...how do we change anything?  One part nerve, two parts knowledge, and three parts tenacity.

CHAIN

Women have been brainwashed into manufacturing the links in the chains that binds them.  This is how women collude in their own oppression.

CHARM

Talk rich.  Integrity poor.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE

It is said that in trying to get misogynistic cultures to change, in continents as disparate as North America and Africa, one needs to tread lightly. When speaking with men we must take care not hurt their feelings, insult their history, not get in their faces, not ruffle their feathers, otherwise they will never stop raping, beating and killing women.  

Sally Armstrong, ASCENT OF WOMEN

DEVELOPED

Any reference to “the developed world” is pure economics.  The fact that women contribute to the bottom line is critical, the fact that economies are built on women’s backs (literally and figuratively) and second class citizen status, is ancillary.

There is very little that’s developed in this kind of system.  It is actually regressive and stunted.  So who are we kidding?  

CHAINS

So long as some of us are in chains, none of us are free.  

It may be a matter of geography but don’t think for a minute that women earning 20-30% less than her male counterpart isn’t on the same continuum as those women who are literally in chains in Africa, Afghanistan, Iran -- it’s just a matter of which end we find ourselves on.

GRATITUDE

I find it interesting that most of us women living in the west just have to learn to stop beating ourselves up.  The vast majority of women in the world however, would consider that a luxury since their problem is finding a way to have everybody else stop beating them up...and raping, stoning and setting them on fire.

Sure puts our gratitude in perspective doesn’t it?

ANATOMY OF CHANGE

“Change is one part nerve, two parts knowledge, and three parts tenacity.”

~ Sally Armstrong, ASCENT OF WOMEN

INDIFFERENCE

The worst thing possible is to live a life of indifference.  

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” 

― Elie Wiesel

PERMISSION

If we wait for permission we’ll be waiting a long time.  At some point, if we actually want to live a life we can be proud of, we need to give ourselves permission.

NO FEAR

We believe that living means feeling fear constantly.  The irony of course is that if we’re truly alive, it’s absolutely true.  

The problem is that what most people believe is that they should be living without fear.  That is why we make choices that are safe, easy, where the outcome is assured.  We’re trying really hard to make the fear go away.  

The reality is that if we feel no fear whatsoever then we’re probably doing something that’s not worth doing.

UBIQUITOUS

It is no coincidence that where lack is ubiquitous, fear rules.  Lack is the symptom of a fear dysfunction and they feed on each other into a continuous loop.  It’s a loop that then terrorizes us into living small, stunted, joyless lives.  

ENOUGH II

Tenacity is about knowing the center of who you are and no matter how bad someone tries to make you feel, knowing your center allows you to recognize the difference between their dysfunction and yours.

ENOUGH

There is no place for lack when you discover tenacity.  Tenacity is corrosive to lack.

BURNING IS EASY

On criticism:

“Any fool can burn down a barn.  Building one is something else again.” ~ Martha Beck

EXACTLY!

MARK

We leave a mark on our lives and everyone we come into contact with.  Behind that mark we leave is our intention.   It matters then that our intention comes from a place of honesty. The problem is that some people confuse honesty with judgment.  Real honesty is close to the bone.  It makes us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable.   If your intention comes from your own vulnerability then the mark you leave will always be for the better.

CHICKENSHIT

I know this will be a revelation to someone.  When you’re in a relationship there’s usually someone else involved.  That’s why it’s called a ‘relationship.’  So if you’re unhappy in that relationship, chances are the other person is too.

This is where some will make devastatingly selfish decisions.  In a misguided attempt at justifying their happiness they have affairs.   It’s the “I deserve to be happy” justification.  But what about the other person in your relationship? Do they deserve to be happy?  Do they deserve to be respected?  Do they deserve the truth?

And you!  What you deserve is to preserve your self respect.  

You do that by doing the hard thing, not the chickenshit thing.

HOPE & FAITH

If there is no hope, then faith has no job. ~ T.D. Jakes

If we don’t infuse hope with the energy and wisdom of the universe, then the faith we have in our ability to create our life the way we want it, has no way of materializing.

POTENTIAL

Our potential is not an abstract concept.  It is also not an accident and it’s not arbitrary to whether we’re lucky to have it or not.  Potential is the gift bestowed on all of us for being human.  

As humans we squander our potential by indulging in fear and resistance especially when we nudge closer to realizing that potential.  So we gorge on simplistic and superficial distractions, be it violence, junk food, judgment or indifference. 

Mostly, we waste our time settling for what looks like our potential by measuring it by the things we accumulate.

We hear a lot about potential.  Unfortunately, it’s misunderstood most of the time.  Potential is not about bucket lists, ‘things’ that need to be done and checked off.  Potential is not about winning prizes and being the best so we can be king of the mountain.  Potential has nothing to do with any of that.

Realizing our potential means that we fight through the fear to get to know who we are at our center.  Realizing our potential is about profoundly going within, past our dysfunction and the lies and justifications we have bought into.  Living our potential means living honestly, without deceit, without pretense.  

The sad reality is that most folks will be too busy creating their bucket lists to work toward their true potential; too busy pretending to be who they are not; preoccupied with selfish, arrogant needs that has them convinced that they "deserve" to have that affair,  max out their visa, help out their neighbour so that they can look down on them.

Humanity does not evolve this way, it stays stuck at the mundane and mediocre.

CONSIDERABLE DIFFERENCE

Smart is acquired. Wisdom is Lived.

Smart is passive. Wisdom is active.

Smart is finite.            Wisdom is infinite.

Smart is in your head and limited to what you can hold and understand.

Wisdom is in your gut, it’s part of every cell in your body and therefore unlimited in its breadth and depth to perceive.

The difference between the two is considerable.

Our society places a great deal of emphasis on one and dismisses the other.  Can you guess which is which?

STAND FOR SOMETHING

Call it out.  Stand for something.  Draw your boundaries.  Just because you lead with love and compassion doesn’t mean you’re a doormat.  Draw that line in the sand with a steady hand.  Be clear about what you will and what you will not tolerate, what you will not go along with, or shy away from.  Make it perfectly clear.  That’s what living your life with integrity looks like.

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY

How would we show up in our lives..

How would we support one another...

How would we guide our daughters...

How would we shape our world...

... if we remembered, every single day, that we hold up half the sky?

WISE

The life you’ve built around you is a manifestation of what you believe about yourself.  If you want to change what surrounds you, then change what’s within you.  

“Wise women simply see things as they are not as their low self-esteem allows.” 

~Shannon L. Alder

US

What we think we’re doing to others, we are in fact doing to ourselves.

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn't change the heart of others -- it only changes ours.”  ~Shannon L. Alder

WHY NOT YOU?

A lot of time it’s not even about our fear of judgment or failure when we don’t pursue our goals.  It’s more about our sense of unworthiness that has us convinced that it can’t possibly be us to achieve something great.  My question is, why not?  Why not you?  

Is there someone you admire, someone that’s living the life you’d like to be living?  What do you think the difference between them and you would be?  The only difference between you and that person you admire is in the way they think about themselves.  The way they think YES! Why not me.

I know.  It would be easier if it were more complicated because then you could always use that as an excuse.  But until we see ourselves as worthy we will never be able to believe, why not me?

IT’S YOU NOT ME

Insisting that other people change, or waiting for other people to change is a form of denial.  It’s a denial of the reality that the only thing we can change is ourselves. 

What’s interesting is that the more we insist that it’s the other people that need to change the more it’s true that it’s we that need to change.  So much easier and less scary to put the onus on the other person though, isn’t it?

GENEROSITY

Generosity of spirit is a wonderful thing to cultivate because the more generous we can be in our praise, in our kindness, in our consideration, the more we amplify our own sense of abundance.  Lack, under these conditions, gains no traction.

GUIDE

Have you ever tried to ride a bike while it’s still being put together?  Sounds crazy right?  And clearly won’t work.  But that’s how we sometimes go about trying to change.  We go ahead and continue to engage in the behaviour or make the same decisions while simultaneously trying to think or do something different.  It just won’t work. 

Sometimes we just need to stop.  And stop not just the behaviour but more importantly, stop making the decisions that lead to the behaviour we want to change. Change actually requires for us to stand still for a minute and not do anything.  To see real change we need to think and act from a completely different perspective and that requires stillness, thoughtfulness, and letting our intuition guide us.

SIGNIFICANCE

We are meant to make a dent in the Universe during the short time we occupy space on this planet.  And while making a dent sounds like we need to do something huge and spectacular, don’t let that stop you from trying.  A dent simply means leaving the world better than how we found it.  For some that’s a call for huge and spectacular, for others, it’s raising caring compassionate kids, planting trees, being of service and living a life with integrity.

The thing to keep in mind is that the huge and spectacular things don’t start that way.  Sometimes, the quiet small things take on a life of their own and grow bigger, deeper and more far reaching than we could ever have imagined.  The key is to start, in our own small way to make a dent, to leave a mark, to declare our significance, to make this one and only time we have, matter.

FEAR

Why is it that we are so quick to believe that we’re weaker than we really are?   In every respect, whenever there’s even a possibility of something new crossing our path, the vast majority of us, run shrieking in the other direction.

WALK/TALK

When you have integrity everything jives.  Your talk and your walk are headed in the same direction.  When integrity isn’t a priority for you, your talk goes one way and your walk goes in another.  Don’t think we can’t see the difference a mile away.

EMOTIONAL MUGGING

It’s a phrase coined by Martha Beck and we’re all guilty of it from time to time.  Usually we do it when we hurt someone’s feelings, or when we lash out at the messenger when in reality we’re really pissed at the message.  It’s important to be aware of it and make amends immediately.  A heartfelt apology preserves our integrity.

Here’s the thing.  While an apology might help soothe someone’s hurt feelings, the real insight is in making sure we don’t do it again.  As Karen Armstrong says so beautifully, 

“Look into your own heart, discover what it is that gives you pain and then refuse, under any circumstance whatsoever, to inflict that pain on anybody else.” 

OBLIQUE

When something comes at you obliquely it doesn’t come straight at you, it comes at you sideways, sometimes from the periphery and at other times, from a direction not readily visible.

So too with dysfunction. It does not come at you as what it is.  It manifests as a symptom.  Addiction* for example, is not what it appears.  It is not the representation of an individual’s illness, lack of willpower or questionable character.  And while addiction can bring about all of these things, addiction is about pain.  Not about the pain of being addicted, but pain that you can only see obliquely.  Only by seeing to the side and underneath of an addiction can you uncover the genesis of the symptom.  

*It’s important to broaden our reference when we mention addiction otherwise behaviours and ways of thinking that are just as ‘addictive’ as any illicit drug will not resonate for most of us who don’t have issues with illicit drugs but are addicted nevertheless to ways of being (like addicted to a myopic way of thinking, addicted to behaviours that continuously get us stuck in unhealthy relationships, addicted to magical thinking like when we think that someone will rescue us, like being addicted to hoping without doing, etc.,) that don’t present as harmful addictions when looked at straight on.

SUFFERING

99.9% of our suffering is created by listening to what our mind is telling us.  What our mind is telling us is an exaggeration and a misinterpretation of reality.  It does this not because it’s diseased or damaged, it does this in a perverse way, to keep us safe.  The only way we can mitigate the suffering created by our mind is if we take what it’s telling us and compare it to what reality is telling us.  When you do that you will see two very different things.

Denial produces suffering because we refuse to see this distinction.  It’s not that we can’t see the distinction because we can, it’s that we make the decision to pretend we don’t see it.

FAILING

If it’s worth doing, it’s worth the risk of failing.

We need to get over our fear of failure. 

The reality is that without failure, success wouldn’t exist.

TODAY

If your sense of self worth has taken a hit because you’re not in a relationship today, or haven’t been asked for a date today, or don’t have a significant other in your life today, then you didn’t have any real sense of self to begin with.

Who you are is not dependent on whether you’re in a relationship with someone else or not.  Who you are is dependent on the relationship you have with yourself.  That’s the only measure of your sense of worth.  It’s the only way you’ll know that you are indeed, enough.

LOVE

So if we can all agree that nothing from nothing is nothing, then we must also agree that you can't give something to someone that you haven't got for yourself.

The thing is people get confused by this, by what having love for ourselves actually means.  Society thinks that it means I deserve a break today, I deserve to buy whatever I want whenever I want it; that bigger is better, that lots is good and more is almost enough.  But what does all of this ‘need’  actually tell you?  That you lack.  That you are missing something.

So how do we get love for ourselves?  We already have it.  How can we tell?  Do something nice for someone without them knowing it’s you.  Send love on ahead, in the form of well wishes, a little prayer of comfort to the planet or the squirrel in the trees when you step out the door in the morning.  That warm, uplifted, content like a hug sensation - that’s what love for yourself feels like.  It’s not needing to take, demand, or extort, because when you recognize the love you carry inside and lead with love in everything you do, you have so much it shows up everywhere in your life.  You have so much in fact that you can afford to give it away.

DROUGHT

Martha Beck brilliant as always:

"Think of a current 'drought' in your life.  For 10 minutes, just trust that it will all be okay.  Trust that you're being guided.  Trust, against all odds and evidence, that you are safe.  When I use this exercise on my drought fears, the strangest thing happens: I feel it raining inside myself.  I become a microcosm of the life-giving rain that, someday, will bring California back to life.  Or so I trust."

SEALED

It never ceases to amaze me the small little box we think ourselves into.  We seal ourselves up with long held beliefs that reality is telling us are faulty, limiting and/or just plain wrong, and tape the flaps down tight. 

REPETITION

The power of repetition is that we get better.  Doing things over and over again is the way we achieve mastery.  Here’s the thing, if we’re invested in the repetition we should make absolutely sure that what we’re repeating we actually want to master.

AMPLIFICATION

Just because something takes up a lot of space in our mind doesn’t make it important.  How often do we amplify the trivial?  Make mountains out of mole hills?  Stir up tempests in teapots?  

The fact is, we all do it a lot.  We weave stories into the future of a given problem or situation as a way to assuage our fears, calm our nerves and prepare ourselves for the worst case scenario. The irony is that worst case scenarios usually catch us off guard, they happen unexpectedly.  And the thing we’ve been working ourselves into a lather over, turns out to be nothing at all.

Amplification is exhausting. Surely we can use that energy more productively.  The truth, as Martha Beck says, is that, “[e]verything always passes, and everything is already okay.  Stay in the place where you can see that, and nothing will resist you."

HONEST

Speaking honestly is speaking with compassion from our heart.  If we’re not speaking from that place we’re speaking with ego and ego will always have an agenda that is less than honest and more often than not, self serving.

SHREDS

It's a piece of cake to show compassion to someone you already like.  It takes real guts to show compassion to someone you would otherwise rip to shreds.

MEAN AND BITCHY

Just because we can be mean and bitchy doesn't mean we should.  That's just too flippin' easy.  When did meanness become our default anyway?  

HAPPY

Theme song today - Happy* by Pharrell Williams. 

Do yourself a favour and listen. If you don't feel happy within two seconds, check for a pulse.

*Yes, from the film Despicable Me 2

ACTION

What people do will tell you who they are.

Action speaks louder than words.

Clichè?  Sure, but tell me when it hasn't been true!

SEEN & HEARD

Most of our dysfunction stems from not being seen, acknowledged or heard when we needed it most.    

That's why we must try harder to see, acknowledge and hear everyone that crosses our path.  It's the only way we can have it finally circle back to us.

DIGGING THAT DITCH

How we love to believe that we can see into the future.  In reality we're just extrapolating from the past.  So if we really want to continue to get what we've gotten in the past, all we really have to do is keep thinking that we can predict the future.

It's a great way to dig ourselves into that ditch of rich, frothy anxiety.

DEFAULT

Willpower is hugely misunderstood.  It actually has nothing to do with whether we’re strong or weak.  It has a lot more to do with some basic things we don’t even connect with willpower, like sleep for example.  

Studies show that just getting enough sleep increases our capacity to stick with our goals.  When we’re tired we usually default to what’s easiest.  And while doing what’s easiest means we’re making a decision, we can’t recognize the moment we're making that decision or the myriad of choices we have.  Instead we slide down that slippery slope of least resistance.  

FINISH

Doesn’t matter where you start, it matters where you finish.

EXCEPTIONAL

You set the bar, no one else.  Being exceptional is not about being superior, rather it’s a refusal to bow to mediocrity.

“Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.” ~ Albert Einstein

LIMITATIONS

Sometimes we convince ourselves that we’re not capable of doing something not because we’ve tried and failed, but because we can’t wrap our brain around the possibility of our succeeding.

This is when we use limitations that don’t really exist as a shield from fear, as a barrier to risk and as an excuse to bury deeper into our denial.  

Denial is not a safe place to be.

AFFLICTED

You know the old adage, “misery loves company.”  If you want to know the kind of misery that’s plaguing you, take a look at who’s hanging around.

KIND

Why is it that we can be an oasis of kindness and compassion when engaged with a stranger and yet are cruel and ruthless by default when engaged with ourselves?

PERSPECTIVE

The problem with being defensive is that it precludes us from learning something.  The least of which is to stop reacting defensively.  

INSURANCE

Traditional insurance like we get for our cars, houses, and personal welfare are based on fear - fear of what might happen, fear of not having enough money to deal with the AWFUL thing that MIGHT happen.  It’s a form of extorted fear-mongering.  

The only real insurance for any eventuality in the future is acting with the truest, most authentic intentions in the here and now. 

QUIT

There is an art to quitting.  The timing is critical. If there is pain always quit.  Whether it’s physical, psychological, emotional or otherwise.  However, when there is discomfort, then lean in, push against it because in the midst of discomfort is the very time NOT TO QUIT.

Nine times out of ten when we’re working toward any kind of major change like a health and fitness goal we will encounter discomfort and not pain.

GOAL

There will always be people around us who don’t share our vision for our goal.  That doesn't mean our goal is not worthwhile.  Sometimes those around us have their own agenda.  

It might be hard to acknowledge but we should never underestimate the power of fear. It can make even those who love us the most, resent any change we're trying to make. 

TOOLS

What tools are at our disposal to stay out of our own way?

"Willpower is about harnessing the three powers of I will, I won't and I want to help you achieve your goals."

~ The Willpower Instinct, Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.

REALIZE

As we set our intentions and go about realizing our goals what are we doing to ensure our success?  How are we getting out of our own way?

WANT

Resolutions are about knowing what we want, right?  The problem is that most of us haven’t got a clue what we really want.  If we did we’d stick with the resolutions  we make.  The fact that only 8% actually do, is proof of that.

Here’s the thing, we first have to understand that we are worth having what we truly want.  For example, if we’ve made the same resolution to lose weight for more years than we care to admit, what we really want is to be accepted for who we are.  The problem is that we think that acceptance comes from something or someone external to us.  The reality is that what we really want, what we really need is to accept ourselves first.

Knowing you want that, is revolutionary.

SEIZE

You can either seize or freeze.  Either seize every opportunity to move toward who you want to be or freeze every opportunity in the limiting beliefs you held yesterday.  History is not destiny.  History is merely an education in designing your future.

So, seize or freeze, which is it going to be? Yes you have to decide right now.  And now. And now...decide, seize or freeze in every moment.  That’s how many opportunities you have.

START

Don't know where to start?

Start with what you're running away from the fastest.
Start with what you're resisting the most.
Start with what's been on your to do list the longest.
Start with what scares you the most.
Start with what requires the greatest risk.
Start with what demands the most vulnerability.

Everything else you start after that will be a piece of cake.