Who are you talking yourself into being?

Let me give you a scenario:  


We have a middle-aged woman spending lonely nights alone, looking around sad-eyed for that elusive love.  Then by absolute chance she meets someone, he just happens to smile at her in a coffee shop, he happens to start chatting with her, he asks whether he can sit at her table.  And she?  Well, she’s hyperventilating because here’s a guy who, she’s sure will clean up really well if he took a shower and combed his hair, is actually talking to her.  And of course she’ll pay for his coffee, because sometimes it happens that you leave your wallet at home, besides, it makes her feel needed.  

Hours turn to days and he has not left her side, I mean literally, he moved in the following day, and she thinks, isn’t it romantic.  And she lifts his spirits while making dinner after coming home from 12 hours at the office - she’s working overtime just until he finds a job, because she can sense that he’s feeling depressed because he can’t join his buddies for a night out since he has no money - by stuffing a twenty into his pocket.  She revels in the feeling of being needed.

Even after 6 months, a year of this, as red flags continue to pop up in her head, remembering the awful way it felt to be lonely, she rationalizes, makes excuses and hangs on ever-tighter to this “relationship” -- until he dumps her ass for being too needy.

Here’s the kicker, it doesn’t really matter that it’s a man/woman, it could be a donkey, the point is how it makes her feel -- it makes her feel safe and loved and not alone.  So it’s the situation she hangs on to, you can’t even call it a relationship because there is no reciprocity -- I was going to write, there is no give and take, but in fact there is, she does the giving and he does the taking -- so I’m talking about reciprocity.  He’s actually not giving anything, it’s the circumstance, the situation that she is interpreting as providing love, and safety and a hedge against loneliness.

When you refuse to take responsibility for your life it can only lead to crazy-making.  And responsibility does mean not making yourself crazy by letting the feeling of loneliness become who you are -- it’s just a feeling and guess what, you’re also responsible for your feelings.  I know, how about that!

Who ever died of loneliness anyway?  It’s a very romantic sentiment to be sure, but really?  

Who are you really talking yourself into being?  

You’re not dating, you’re not having sex, so what - it’s not going to kill you - in fact, you probably could use the break to regroup, patch up the holes you tore into your pride by ‘dating’ guys you met online and dusting off the set of values you once so carefully chose, but tossed into a dark corner.

Stop wringing your hands over it -- instead, make plans for what you’re going to do with your life.

Ask yourself, is all this teeth gnashing over being relationship-less a distraction from having to deal with other aspects of your life that aren’t working? Is it an escape from having to take responsibility for your own life?

And yes, this means men too -- this "a relationship will save me" syndrome effects everyone -- and it gets even worse once you hit your 40s, 50s and beyond...don't even get me started on that...